stoopid is

Death to Spiders

2008-09-21T10:52:00.003-07:00

I just got the crap scared out of me. A few nights ago I put my toothbrush back in it's holder only to see this ginourmous (possible Brown Recluse) spider come crawling out. First instinct was to yell, "I just had my mouth on that toothbrush you bastard!!!"second instinct was to squash him.

(Insert Public Service announcement; I don't typically kill spiders, I in fact like to put them outside but this little bastard was angry...and asking for it by putting his spider feet on my personal items)

Assessing my situation I realized squashing him was out since he was so fast he ran behind my mirror. So I went for instinct numero tres. Run like hell for the can of Raid and stare at the mirror for 45 minutes until he comes out the other side. I shoot the Raid at him and amazingly he kamikaze jumps out of the streams way and uses military tactics to repel down the mirror on his web at high speeds. I turned into a mad woman and shot Raid all over the mirror & sink. I then watched him twitch until he was dead.

So since then I keep having nightmares that the spider wasn't really dead or that his spider posse is gonna get me in my sleep. I do firmly believe that once you kill one (even if he deserved it) the others know and you will continually get bombarded by attacks for at least 3 months (trust me I know by experience)

So today I decided I should finally clean up the yard after our "Non hurricane, hurricane". All goes well until the last pile of pine straw. As soon as I pick it up I notice a family of spiders (ok they're not really a family unless it's acceptable in spiderland to interracial date between like 5 different species). I run quickly and toss the straw. No problem...definitely time to go back inside where it's somewhat safe. No sooner to I step inside but I feel something crawling up my upper chest area towards my neck. Mere seconds before panic mode sets in and I start smacking myself violently, it hops off me....yep it hopped wight off. I look down and it's the tiniest cutest wittle tree frog. (insert sigh of relief). Awwwww, took me forever to catch him and unlike the spider I set this little guy go so he could hop off into wittle froggyland.

McFarty Pants

2008-01-06T06:06:00.000-08:00

While sitting at dinner last night and conversing about my friends girlfriend who won't fart for a year and then lets out the built up cloud of gas strait from the depths of hell, I thought of something.
Yes McFartypants gave me a genius idea. As many know, I am a hair Stylist. Well think about the torture someone like me endures when a case of gas hits? If I am in the middle of doing someones' hair, I can't move. If I excuse myself it trails me back and holding it just never seems to be an option. I usually just grab my blow drier (if timing is appropriate) and claim I'm blowing the snippets of hair off their neck while conveniently having bad aim to wisp away the stinky doomdom from my ass.
There seems to be some miraculous new technology with air neutralizers. These sprays are amazing but unfortunately I think my client might figure out what I'm up to if I were to stop what I'm doing and start spraying it in the general vicinity.So I think someone needs to make a pair of underwear with a type of ventilation filter built into the ass. Like an air neutralizing trap for gas! I mean seriously, it wouldn't be that hard to do and it wouldn't need to be bulky. Just a pocket in the back of your undies where you place the new pad each time you wear through one. It could even have a little censor meter that tells you when the little ionic particles run low and it needs to be changed.
Now to find financial backing for my invention...someone will steal this idea for sure!

damnit

2007-11-02T18:29:00.000-07:00

grrr...embeded video isn't working...I suck...here's the link
it's funny...
I swear
http://www.jibjab.com/starring_you/receipt/2459077

Evil people

2007-10-02T11:02:00.000-07:00

Quite a few years after high school a former classmate of mine who I hadn't seen since, walked into my place of work. He apologized for being mean to me back in the day. It was a nice gesture and I let him know it wasn't necessary because he never bothered me like some of the true bullies in high school. The two of us would jokingly pick on each other so there for we were even. We've been friends since then.

This past weekend I found myself and a few other friends walking through the woods on an exploration quest. We soon discovered that it was spider season. There were enough "Writing spiders" (aka Garden spiders) to make even the most non squeamish person be on guard. This particular type of spider is HUGE and about as harmless as a little fluffy newborn puppy but is as scary looking as HR Geiger's Alien on a bad hair day. These spiders create massive webs which we were constantly figuring out how to avoid.

In an attempt to be nice I fell a little behind the rest of the group to save my friend Scott who quit paying attention and started talking on his cell phone from walking into one. We ducked and picked up the pace to catch up. I started to forget about the looming doom when my "friends" (notice the quotation marks around friends) mentioned something in the woods to my right. I looked over at it and kept walking. About 10 feet goes by when I hear my boyfriend very firmly and very loudly say "EMILY!!! STOP!!!" without hesitation like Pavlov's dog hearing the dinner bell ring, I froze with extreme intensity knowing what I was about to see hanging mere inches from my face.

After my near death experience subsided I looked past the beastly creature to see the rest of the group laughing hysterically and talking about how priceless my face was. My first instinct was to yell at my boyfriend since he's the one who told me to stop; obviously it was his idea "You are in so much trouble mister!!!" he immediately points to my old friend from high school "It was his idea!" I look towards him when he says "I was going to let you keep walking."

You are soooooooo going down...we were even once; but not now. It's on like Donkey Kong. Just you wait.

Mutt Whiskey

2007-08-15T16:12:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time I had a dog; it was a brief stint. I had walked by one of the Saturday pet adoptions on the sidewalk down the way from my work. Upon walking by and not seeing a dog that tugged properly at my heart strings I noticed a burnt orange tail peeking out from under a table. I asked to see the pup. It was an adorable mutt named Wispy. “Wispy?” I thought “That’s a dumb name for a boy dog!” going on the color of his fur and drunken demeanor which I later found out was due to bad hips, I deemed the pup “Whiskey”. It was a good name. Somewhere in my mind I thought “I am ready for this.” I must have been crazy. I filled out some papers and took Whiskey on as a foster dog until I was ready to adopt or in my case they found him a home before I was ready. During Whiskey’s stay at my home I took him for walks downtown. I started noticing a prejudice towards this awesome dog. People would constantly walk up to other dogs and pet them, yet they would ignore mine. At some point someone walked up to a dog Whiskey was sniffing and started with the goo goo, gaa gaa child voice over this obviously superior breed of a dog and asked what kind it was. I don’t remember but it was some kind of dumb half breed cocktail of a dog like a Puggle or a Labradoodle and let’s be honest people; IT’S A MUTT!!! (Especially if it’s not in my spell check) Sheesh you would think I had a zit riddled teenager who had just joined the 9^th grade. I look at the lady and said “Don’t you want to know what breed my dog is?” There was a bit of a pause and an uncomfortable reluctant “ooooook” from her. I smiled and announced quite valiantly “He’s one hundred percent pure bred mutt!” I smiled and walked away.

My Scissors need love in Wilmington

2007-08-03T15:01:00.000-07:00

As life would have it I have officially come full circle and am living back in Wilmington, NC. (ta-daaa!!!) I am working at a wonderful salon called the Works and am in the process of building my clients so please stop by and see me as well as reposting this to anyone in Wilmington who might need a fun hair dresser such as lil ole me. I specialize in new, hip & trendy haircuts as well as color.
Men's cuts are only $15 (includes a wash)
Womans cuts are $20 wet or $30 (including wash & Dry)
Call for pricing on color/highlights as it varies
Thanks for stopping in and I look forward to brutally severing your strands of hair with my sharp scissors!
Here's my business card

EMILY :)
The Works Salon
112 N.Cardinal DR.
Wilmington, NC
910-395-0700 ext.104

Funeral Flowers

2007-07-04T19:08:00.001-07:00

Their are certain things you should avoid if you are a hairdresser. A major one would be eating anything that will cause you to blow a hole in the back of your pants. For some unknown reason I decided it would be a good idea to eat a bag full of fresh cherries before starting my eight hour shift. Towards the end my stomach started percolating and the clenching began. As I said goodbye to my last client, pushing them out the door in a hurry, I sighed with relief allowing hurricane force winds to escape from my buttocks. Mmmmm that was nice...*sniff sniff* GOOD GOD!!! that's an impressive scent. Right as I start to think all is well I hear a voice coming from the side of me say "I smell funeral flowers?! You smell that?" It was Pete our stereotypical resident gay hairdresser. I start to blush and giggle, barely containing my laughter I peep out "Noooooo I don't smell anything." and he responds with "You don't smell carnations?" I quickly pondered if my ass was capable of smelling like carnations and realized he wasn't talking about me at all. I started to laugh and he looked at me with the confused puppy dog face. I believe we have coined a new phrase.

Tales from the chair

2007-06-15T19:16:00.000-07:00

Every day is a new challenge in the hairdressing industry. We never know what crazy person will walk through the door next, what employee drama will arise or in todays case, what will break.
As I'm calling my next client back for her haircut she whispers "I think the toilet is broken." No biggie, I'm pretty handy when it comes to fixing things. I scamper off to fix what in theory is a simple situation(I should know better by now) when I open the door to the womans bathroom. "MAY DAY! MAY DAY! The Titanic has resurfaced and all the dead bodies smell awful."

Time to call the plumber because my degree is in beauty not doodie.

Ticks ok, I'm a professional

2007-06-12T16:05:00.000-07:00

So this ten year old kid sits in my chair today excited to chop off about 8 inches of his hair down to a buzz cut. I start my clippers and the hair starts falling when he nonchalantly says;

KID; Oh by the way, I might have ticks!
*did I just hear that right?*
ME; Oh really?
HIS MOM: (laughing) Oh honey your so silly.
KID; (continues blathering about kid stuff) Blah blah blah....
buzz buzz buzz
KID; Blah blah blah...
buzz buzz buzz
ME; Well...I guess you were right!
KID; (very excited and jumping around) Really!!! I wanna see! I wanna see!

Meanwhile the full waiting room of clients is now cringing and looking at us like we're circus freaks. The mom rushes the kid outside to remove the hitchiker then brings him back in for me to complete the haircut.
There is no redemption for this one.

The saga continues...

Hair I am

2007-06-11T18:01:00.000-07:00

Well, life has taken me full circle. I left the east coast in search of new things and new things I found. I'm a total slacker when it comes to blogging about everything these days and all the nifty things I've done in the last 4 years but we'll just say it's a lot.

He's a brief history; I've been all over the USA traveling, writing, and taking photos. I've worked as a writer, automotive mods salesperson, t-shirt designer, payroll specialist, among numerous other things. I even quit hairdressing for two years. I've lived in Glendale, AZ, Scottsdale, AZ, Los Angeles, CA, Marina Del Rey, CA and San Diego, CA.

Now after very little persuasion I'm back in my beloved Carolinas. Oh how I missed this place. I'm not quite back where I started but I'm close. I say Carolinas because I find myself so close to the North & South Carolina border I could throw a rock into one of the states. After my two year career hiatus I'm back to hair dressing. It's amazing how many of the disturbing things I blocked out from my former profession. I always had ridiculous stories to tell people of my time served...and I do mean time served. Some days being a hair dresser is down right torturous. When I die I'll probably go to heaven because I've already served my time in Hell. I've been back in the industry less than two weeks and already I've encountered Lice, nesting spiders, cradle cap, cutting myself, confessions to murder, screaming children, unimaginable stink, and accidentally chopping off someone's skin tag (it was a BIG skin tag) all while trying to keep a strait face and making them look better (well...some of them look better).

some days I question things...but I'm still happy to be back.

Hmmm

2007-04-17T15:28:00.001-07:00

There is a rock in my pocket and my left eye is still twitching...

I gots teh crazy eyes

2007-04-09T19:31:00.000-07:00

I am a firm believer in the theory that you can usually judge a book by its cover. Now I did just say usually because there are always exceptions to the rules and this week I do believe I am one of them. There are many people we come across who are inside, exactly what they appear to be on the outside. I met a girl once who looked exactly like a troll...and what do you know? She was a very troll like creature, just like we all know the big lovable teddy bear guy who may be huge but is a total softy. Well anyway, the topic of "crazy eyes" keeps coming up lately. I'm not sure how to explain them, it's the people you meet and weather it be there eyes completely bugging out of their heads or you can just tell there's a psychopath behind them waiting to leap out and stab you in the head. It is possible for "crazy eyes" to come and go. I know a girl who when I first met her had them and as she got older she got less crazy, there for the "crazy eyes" subsided. I never thought in a million years would I be the person to have crazy eyes but for the last 2 weeks my left eye has taken on a mind of it's own. Now, I know it's not the kind of "crazy eyes" I'm talking about, it's purely the nerve over my eye telling me to piss off it's going to do what it wants and my eyelashes are going to bootie dance with each other like teenagers in heat. For the first couple of days it was kind of funny and I couldn't ever catch it twitching when I tried to look in the mirror. I finally had the opportunity to see it but the second I got within viewing distance of the mirror it went away. I was like a Sesame Street character leaning in and away, in and away...near...far...near...far. When I stepped back it would twitch, when I got close it would go away. I giggled. "Whatever", I thought "No big deal, it doesn't hurt it's just annoying I can handle this." well that was until I was in the middle of a job interview with a place I really would like to work at and while being stared directly in the eyes by my possible new boss it starts twitching. "Damn you crazy eyes! Damn you all to hell!!!! Not only has my concentration disappeared but you're making me look like a psycho." ok interview over, it went well but they can't hire me until September...ummmm ok that won't work. Then today I'm trying to convince my apartment complex not to charge me an extra $150 because I couldn't find the drop box they so delightfully hid behind some foliage when "crazy eyes"took over again. I could just see the girls thoughts like a neon sign, "This chicks strait up crazy! Not only is she an idiot for not finding the drop box but she's going to kill me so I better not charge." I'm happy I don't have to pay the charge but as I type this my "crazy eye" is having another party, at least this time it's for good reason.

will it ever end?

2007-04-09T12:47:00.000-07:00

well...I'm in the middle of moving (sigh) again. Hopefully soon I can get back to my regular blogging routine as I miss it dearly.

On a lighter note, my evil confession of the day;
When I'm at work I like to put our clients on "HOLD" but I'm really pushing the mute button.

here's some bewbie squishing action to keep you happy and entertained!

Random Happenings

2007-03-27T21:39:00.000-07:00

I received an email today from a somewhat random stranger talking about a phone call she received from an old friend and the possibility of it's significance and the coincidence of her emailing me is quite interesting as I've been thinking a lot lately about how things seem to happen at certain times in my life. Not necessarily personal things but in other peoples lives around me. Like jobs; I've had several where someone who has been employed for 5 years or more is now (FINALLY) getting fired...like; Why now? Why in my short time there? Why not before or after me? I always notice this stuff, the list of things is huge. Like relationships; meeting a couple in a "seemingly" happy relationship and a month after meeting them they break up...and again I ask the same questions.
I suppose these are bad examples and making you think to never come around me or something of great negative significance will happen to you but trust me, there are many positive things like these that happen around me, I just can't think of what they are.
I recently needed something and out of nowhere an old friend who offered the service I was looking for contacted me and hooked me up. I'm one of those people who believes everything happens for a reason no matter how small or big the event. The other night I drunkenly felt the need to have a nervous breakdown and in doing so I emailed a random chick who is not only a dwarf (maybe midget) but is missing both her limbs. Every photo she had of herself she was smiling. It wasn't a normal smile but an infectious smile and I couldn't help but think how great she was. Maybe I interrupted her life just long enough to give her the random thoughts I'm having these days. I know I'm not alone...my random email told me so :)

I am a Slacker

2007-03-18T17:22:00.000-07:00

It's true...I am a slacker. I have neglected my poor blog and quite frankly it sucks. There are several hobbies of mine that give me total satisfaction and great joy...ok well there's 2.

Blogging (formally known on paper as Zines) and photography.

Cartooning use to be one of them but it slowly slipped out of my grasp and rarely exists in my life (this makes me sad). It seems as I grow older and this society expects me to mature I forget my Peter-Pan like qualities. I am fighting tooth and nail not to let this blasphemous fate happen to my other joys. I have a whole list of things I want to blog about that will probably never see the light of day. I am doing my best to turn things around and entertain those who pay attention to me. I often think I come off as self absorbed but truth be known I take great pride and feel great joy when I can entertain or make others laugh, even when it's at my expense. Life could totally suck for me but if I make one person happy it cushions the suckyness.

Why can't some rich person or company just come along and hand me a ton of cash so I continue doing what I love? I know there's someone out there (wink wink nudge nudge). What happened to the days of court jesters? It doesn't seem to be the American way anymore. We work for pennies and in turn lose our free time and will power to do the things we love. I apologize for the bad post but at the moment it's all I've got.

Some days I wish I was on that island in the TV show LOST...it seems so much better than here. (plus Jack and Desmond are hot...and Hurley is the coolest ever!)

here's a random photo of the California fog...this makes me happy too

Perfect

2007-02-12T14:59:00.001-08:00

While at work today I was talking with a very nice client of ours. For once it was a good conversation with someone who seems pretty darn cool (this is rare in customer service). We were talking about work related stuff when the words “Unfortunately accidents happen.” Came out of my mouth. Normally this is not something you would say to someone who is relying on you to provide a service but it was in relation to one of his employees who shall we say is less than perfect. Saying these words brought up a memory I hadn’t thought about in a while. There are certain people in this world that we hold to high standards and don’t want to think are less than perfect, like Doctors. A few years ago I was fortunate enough to witness the birth of my best friends child. Neither of us had watched such a scene take place. Here we are in a room filled with equipment, nurse and soon to follow the doctor. As the minutes came near that this little bundle of joy would enter the world the preparations began. Both my best friend and I get this confused look as the nurse tucks a plastic trash bag of sorts under the butt of my friends’ wife and was hanging off the end of the bed. I looked at the doctor and not realizing the stupidity of my question said “Is that to catch the baby?” the doctor chuckled and responded. “No it’s to catch everything else. But those little guys are slippery and unfortunately accidents happen.”

Best thing since sliced bread

2007-02-02T20:48:00.000-08:00

I know sliced bread is pretty darn cool but I've got something that could quite possibly be one of the coolest things to hit the MINI community EVER!!! (rubs hands together maniacally and laughs MOO HAHAHAHA!)

I am here to announce the official launch of www.yellowminipages.com
It is the most complete directory to date of everything MINI.
Please take a gander at it's magnificant glory. Search it's pages, make suggestions if you don't see a link you're looking for, find cool links you never knew existed, and expand your MINI experience.
Thanks for looking..from one happy motorer to another...you guys rock...that's why we do what we do. Please pass this info on, repoast, and give comments & feedback as this is a new site and we strive to give you nothing but the best! it would be greatly appreciated.

Oh dear lord

2007-01-25T21:19:00.000-08:00

I just got the Bajesus scared out of me while taking out the trash. Yep, you heard me right. Little Miss Emily about pooped in her pants due to something furry making noise. It's totally unlike me to get excited or show any form of emotion (trust me it's true...I type emotion but actually showing it is a different story). I have to be honest, I wasn't truly scared...ok maybe for like 2 seconds when I couldn't figure out what the hell was going on in my dumpster. I went to take the trash out (somewhat tipsey off wine) when I heard some rustling in the trash heap of my apartment complex. Oooooh I started getting excited and curious...what could this be? Probably a cat. I thought but when I quietly peered over the edge of the container like a wild animal sneaking up on it's prey, I saw something much larger than I had expected. Between my poor eyesight and low lighting it looked like the back of a very large boar. But how in the world would a boar be able to climb into a dumpster? Maybe it's a bear? Or a Mountain lion! Without hesitation I hightailed it back inside to grab my camera. I quietly creeped back up on the unsuspecting creature and held my camera over the ledge assuring I was out of harm’s way in case some teeth and claw toting monster jumped out and attacked my face like a hungry Anna Nicole Smith. I was able to snap 3 photos of the perpetrator before they ran off...yep...I said they. Not only is my new apartment-complex home to snails, lizards, and wittle runny babbits but it is home to RACOONS! Woooooooooo to the mutha fuckin hooooooooooo! I was kinda sad they ran away so quickly but I left them some homemade stir-fry and quite frankly the first decent meal I've made in probably my whole life. I hope they come back.

Here’s what I was able to capture, yay.

Amazing disappearing Emily

2007-01-21T12:14:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know I haven't been around. Life has been strait up nuts. And I mean nuts...not teabag nuts but crazy like a moose nuts. For those who don't know, I've moved...again. This is the 4th move in 4 months and somewhere around the 8th in 3 years. My fingers are crossed this will be the last for a very long time. Why do I move so much? Well, we'll just say life happens. Some good some bad, it just happens. It's not my normal deal to move, I kind of like to stay put, I need a home base but have yet to re find the right one after my debacle with psycho neighbors whom I dealt with for 5 years. I found myself in Las Angeles which I knew was going to rub me the wrong way. Luckily my husband and I were only there for a short while before fate intervened and had us hightailing it for San Diego. We're much happier here. Our apartment is great, we get an occasional firework show off our back porch from a local theme park, there are little bunnies who munch on the grass and our own washer and driers! It's not all bunnies and light shows but it's a start. I'm hoping to soon be back to my normal routine of silly blogs and inane ramblings for my few readers. Thanks for sticking with me.

more soon...lord knows I have a list of stuff to blog about...so watch out!

oh yeah and my camera broke again...here's me crying about it (yes it was broke when I took the shot. The light settings aren't reading and 90% of the photos show up black)

riddle me this

2006-12-20T08:35:00.000-08:00

How come I'm not allowed to bring my almost empty tube of toothpaste on an airplane that is clearly under the 3 ounce liquid rule because they have to go by what the package says not the REAL content, but the guy in front of me can bring on one of those fold up cork screws which could easily be used as a weapon (much like the box cutters on 911)?hmmmm?(Stupid Airline people)

Of Mice and Men

2006-12-03T19:05:00.000-08:00

Today I helped a friend change out his couch to a new one. As we’re about to move the old couch out and bring in the new one in, he announces “Prepare for the mice!”. “Mice?” I Think…”This doesn’t seem like the type of neighborhood that would have a mouse problem? Besides, he’s got 2 cats, I would think they’d do a good job at keeping them away.” Then it clicked “Oooooh yeah, the cats.” We removed the couch and before our eyes was the biggest mouse massacre since….since…well I don’t know since when but I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed such horrific carnage.

I give you examples A & B, the cats. After that we have Examples C & D the massacre left by these two masters of destruction. (61 mice total!)

The "Woo Hoo" heard around the world

2006-11-30T17:29:00.000-08:00

So lately things in my life have been crazy. There’s been some ups and plenty of downs but through it all I do my best to turn my nervous energy into funny energy so as to keep anyone who is listening entertained. Well today as I frantically run around my house getting ready for yet another move (and hopefully the last), I walk to my mailbox and pray for goodness to be inside. I put the key in and turn the lock squinting my eyes in fear of a giant bill-monster who is going to jump out and paper-cut me to death. The door swings open and I see something big…ok sort of big but when you’re afraid of what’s behind door #1 anything looks big. Brown packaging? Hmmm? What could it be? For the life of me I am having a giant brain fart. It looks like it went through customs and the return address is unfamiliar. I start thinking the worst, it’s thick…like paperwork…paperwork is usually bad….no no no, eww paperwork, noooooo go away big bad scary things I don’t want you! My hands are getting a little nervous as I tear open the envelope. Within seconds my frightened soul is instantly turned to something far more ridiculous than a little puppy who’s about to piddle on floor with excitement. As loudly as one can think without looking totally crazy my brain says “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”. Here is something I’ve been so excited about and has been very hard for me to not really say anything (I can’t be counting any chickens before they hatch) but I’ve been waiting for so long I sort of forgot about it. It’s the spanking new magazine called HOT NEW MINI which is born from the ashes of our dearly missed NEW MINI mag and guess who’s inside!? MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (insert me doing a non rhythmic version of the happy dance).
I plopped my butt down not even wanting to wait until I got back inside and start reading. As I’m reading I’m giggling and making silly faces like “Did I say that? Hahaha!” or “Hey I didn’t know my car was lowered!” the woman next to me waiting to sign her lease and move into our complex is probably rethinking the idea because crazy people live here. It was all I could do not to shove it in her face knowing she didn’t speak English and say “See that! That’s me! ME ME ME ME MEEEEE!”

So there you have it folks, I have my first official magazine spread and it looks sweet! I was a little nervous because I never saw a proof so I had no idea what it was going to look like. All in all they did a great job, the only major mistake was I didn’t get full credit for the photos (only partial) which stinks since they are all mine and photos are my #1 passion (MINIs being #2) oh well, no biggy.

I’m not sure when the issue hits shelves but it may already be there or it will be any day now.

As always thanks for listening and letting me share. My life wouldn’t be the same without all you guys! It’s funny but the MINI community is my second family so thanks. Here’s a sneak peak but go support the magazine and pick up a copy! (oooh my parents will love it!)

Blink of an eye

2006-11-29T12:25:00.000-08:00

It’s funny how fast things can change sometimes. Here I am these days with all my whininess, my “I wants”, and my blah blah blah. When it rains it pours and for a few days I was having some serious rainstorms. Then the day after Thanksgiving hit and with the blink of an eye (almost literally) things changed for the better. I’m still a nervous ball of energy about how things are going but I’m one of those people who believes everything happens for a reason. I know I’m being a bit cryptic about things, unfortunately for parties involved I have to be. On the upside I’ll be moving (yes again) down to the San Diego area. I’m still homesick and want to go back east but I’m going to snatch up some great opportunities while I can and hope that some serious awesomeness will rise from these ashes. It’s a much nicer area than Los Angeles, it’s cheaper and I have friends there who would fit right in with the people I’ve known for the 11 years I spent in North Carolina so maybe the East coast won’t feel so far away after all.

here's a picture of a bridge I took to keep you entertained while I think of something rediculously whitty to write about

Nothing happenned when I woke up

2006-11-21T14:23:00.000-08:00

now I WANT to go back to bed...everything is the same...well, that traffic ticket got paid but I can't say that was a good thing...just one less thing .

I want! I want! I want!

2006-11-20T22:05:00.000-08:00

I want to wake up tomorrow and have my internet connection work right for the 1^st time in 2 months, I want to have those $129 in phone calls I didn’t make erased off my bill (having a signal would be nice too, how do I make that many calls with NO signal! You tell me!?), I want my ass to miraculously shrink and look like a supermodels’, I want my MINI to be freshly waxed and have a garage of her very own, I want my bills paid without me having to do it, I want my boyfriend to quit being allergic to cats (ok that’s just me being selfish), I want to move far far away, I want a job I enjoy and get paid what I’m worth….I want a house not an apartment or maybe a castle…even a Lego one…or even made out of pancakes…mmmm…paaaaaaancakes smothered in butter and sticky syrupy goodness.

Hey look! A happy little photo I took that totally belongs on a Mothers' Day card...(I think I just vomited)

Yes I'm evil

2006-11-15T18:27:00.000-08:00

Most of us have seen that birth control commercial circulating the internet…well…I swear I just saw that kid at the grocery store.

I’m standing in line, minding my own business as usual when the child belonging to the woman in front of me runs up to the quick grab shelves and goes right for the disposable 35mm cameras

Spawn of Satan; “Mommy! Mommy! I want a camera!”

Satan; “No honey you have one at home.”

The kid starts in with the quivering lip and all the prelude stuff to what’s going to be very loud whaling when he notices the candy shelves. Immediately his devilish evil child grin is back.

Spawn of Satan; “Mommy! Mommy! I want bubblegum!” as he grabs the gum determined it’s already his.

Satan; “No honey you don’t need any gum.”

Spawn of Satan; “But IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII don’t have any at home!!!!!” insert beginning of the quivering lip again and all that is about to proceed.

Satan; “No honey you don’t need any gum.” Like a broken record

Cashier Lady; “How about a lollipop!” hoping to sooth what is about to pierce her ears she hands the mom a left over Halloween lollipop complete with a frosting ghost on the front.

Satan; “I don’t want a lollipop! I want my guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!” with the thought proccess that he already has the lolli now maybe he can have both the tears have set in and screaming is a millisecond away as he slams the gum back onto the shelf and reluctantly steps toward the lollipop.

Spawn of Satan; “I don’t waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant a lollipop!” Mid sentence his water eyes miraculously disappear, his lip quits quivering again and all of a sudden the lollipop is the greatest thing ever. He is now the most excited spawn of Satan I have ever seen, he is starting to bounce out of his shoes as he exclaims, “Mommy! Mommy! This is the biggest lollipop in the whole world!”

Satan doesn’t seem to be listening, she's too busy paying for the groceries, so the spawn gets happier with the thought of his new item and announces it again even more excited and bouncy this time with eyes lit up like giant christmas lights.

Spawn of Satan; “Mommy! Mommy! This is the biggest lollipop in the whole WOR….!”

WHAM! The Lollipop smashes into the ground and I can’t help but think;

“Well…now you have the world’s largest broken lollipop!” at this point it was impossible to not laugh out loud and both the cashier and Satan turn and look at me to see what is so funny and I shrug, “Cute kid.”

I'm famous again

2006-11-09T12:21:00.000-08:00

sort of…(insert obligatory bragging) For the last few years I’ve been thrown into this whirlwind we call the automotive industry. It started out with MINI Coopers and has branched off to other things. I’ve been fortunate in my experiences, met some great people and been having a blast. I’ve done everything from writing/photographing for MotorTrend (among other magazines & websites), getting to drive on some of the most famous race tracks in the US, going to big auto shows and lighting my head on fire (don’t ask). Recently I was lucky enough to be involved in an event called MINI Takes the States (MTTS) where we drove cross country with thousands of MINI owners. During the trip I stole the camera belonging to CarTV.com…and they left me in the show. So if you’re a MINI fan or not I wanted to share the fun and let you put a face with the name.

midway through episode 2 of MTTS you can see me…I was sober I swear!
MTTS Videos
As always, thanks for looking!
Em

PInk Slip Got some backdoor action!

2006-11-07T19:31:00.000-08:00

Yes that’s right…my dirty little MINI went and got herself some back door action, shame on her! Well, I can’t say it was entirely her fault.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you backed your MINI into a gigantic trailer hitch? ME NEITHER but I found out one evening when the Fireballed race trailer decided to jump right in the way when I was backing up. You know…kind of like what trees do really late at night when you start to get sleepy and tired of driving. Those enormous stationary objects sure are tricky. This is not the first time for my poor MINI. We were in LA one time before (back when she was still green) when some (cough) unnamed fellow backed her into a key fob at an apartment building. I suppose I was to blame on that one too with the “Hey what’s that!” comment which was not referring to the object that proceeded to bugger my car. She has since been stripped like Paris Hilton and put back together like something out of a B-rated horror movie. This just goes to show that every day I earn my nickname more and more, for those of you who tell me I should change it, “they don’t call me Stoopid for Nothin!”

Here Be the perpetrator

Here be the results

Here be the boyfriend oh so happy about cleaning up me mess...arrr

I'm going crazy

2006-10-25T20:17:00.000-07:00

Today, at the grocery store the cashier in a desperate attempt to pick me up referred to me as “Scenery”. I know it was meant as a compliment but I can’t say its good use of words. The old man in line behind me agreed that he was enjoying the “scenery” as well….I’m a hard girl to make blush and had I not been so tired and in serious need of a shower I probably would have had some witty retort like “You best shoosh, you’re making my Cracklen Oat bran jealous.” And then proceed to stroke the top of my cereal box and whisper to it “Its ok branny, you’re scenery too.” As I walked off with them staring at me like I was insane. I like it when people think I’m insane, it gives me a good excuse for my actions half the time. Whenever someone says something to me about “remember that time when you (insert something stupid I did)?” my response is always “Nooooooo I don’t remember that? I must have been drunk!” Before I knew it half the people on this planet now think I’m an alcoholic when truth is I’m rarely drunk and when I am drunk I’m usually conscious of my actions…not necessarily in control *cough* those photos floating around of me vomiting in a toilet. Not to mention my conversations are usually about how badly I’m craving Hillshire Farm’s Cheddar Wursts, who knew heaven could be found in prepackage pig lips and assholes?

Look I’m a crazy woman! Craaaaazy I tell you! C-R-A-Z-Y! Grrrrrrr I’m a ferocious beast!

Eak!

2006-10-19T18:55:00.000-07:00

I have Caramel Frappacino stuck in my hair! Damn yooooooou Starbucks! Damn yooooou all to hell!!! LOL

He's a fishy guy

2006-10-08T18:40:00.000-07:00

He's a fishy guy
Originally uploaded by StoopidGirl.

I was walking down the Seal Beach pier in California this morning when I happened upon a fish. He was a random fish just flopping around, horribly gasping for his last breaths. For a couple of days I have thought about taking pictures, I have carried my camera on my shoulder looking for something to come my way. It’s one of those things when you are looking for it, searching, and trying to force it to come out it will never happen. I had almost forgotten my camera in the car and a split second decision it was back at my side. I ate breakfast with a few friends and afterwards we wandered in the direction of water. I’ve been in California about a month now and still haven’t set foot near the ocean. When we happened upon the fish I knew it was my chance. I could feel it. Here was this poor creature with no one to help him, not even I. I was merely a spectator. I quickly grabbed my camera, stuck it on the “action” setting and started shooting away. Click, click, click. As I shot the fish was violently flopping, I couldn’t even tell if he was in frame, and passers by were looking at me like I was insane. “Whatever” I thought, they can think of me what they want, the fish is dying anyway. I might as well get an emotional, journalistic photograph out of its strife. Then I heard this happy voice saying something like “You lika my feesh? That’sa my feesh, he got away.”, next thing you know there is another fish hanging from a line in front of some children who had started watching me, his body convulsing and tail just bairly touching the boards of the pier and I hear the same voice, “The feeshy is doin a little dance for you!”.
I look up to see an elderly gentleman with one of the biggest grins on his face I’ve seen in years. He was a naturally born entertainer. I was distracted by the fish on the ground and my attention was towards the inside of the new fishes’ gaping mouth. How interesting it would be to take a photo directly down its throat. I asked the gentleman if I could take a picture. He misunderstood the photo I had intended to take, smiled, held up his fish, stuck out his tongue, and I pushed the trigger. As I walked away I reviewed my photos paying no mind to the snapshot I had just taken. Oh well, I thought, it doesn’t seem like any of the “Feeshy” photos will be worth while. They’re out of focus, the lighting is too strong or I’ve cut off the fishes head (not literally). MY boyfriend asked me what the man had said to me and I didn’t really have an answer, “Ummmm, he asked me if I liked his fish…I think.” As the day progressed I took a nap and did my usual Sunday procrastinating. During this time I just kept thinking about what a funny old man that guy was, and then I emptied the contents of my camera onto my computer.
It just goes to show that sometimes it’s not the want or desire for things to happen, sometimes it’s the journey that gets you there which matters the most and gives you the best result. I hope this photo makes you smile as it does me.

The Fellow gave me his business card during my brief experience, it turns out he has a Hungarian Import store and Delicatessen up in Burbank…I think if I ever get up that way I’ll have to stop in. www.hungariandeli.com

Phone calls

2006-10-06T10:16:00.000-07:00

I have this friend, an old friend. A friend I would talk to about anything and everything until the sun came up and he would finally kick me out of his house when the cockroaches would run for shade. A friend who knew everybody and everybody knew him. A friend I thought would never part with their beloved record collection. A friend with more potential and talent in his middle finger than quite possibly anyone I’ve ever known. A friend I knew like a brother. A friend I looked up to more than he will probably ever know. A friend who still calls me randomly out of the blue to give me the news. A friend I don’t need to talk too constantly to know I can call if I ever need something…anything.

It’s funny where life has taken the two of us. Time has passed, distance has entered between us but the news always comes. The phone rings, it’s my friend; “I’m getting married!”, “Wilmington misses you.”, “Our friend X has passed away”, “My wife is pregnant!”, “I just wanted to tell you our friend X tried to commit suicide.”, “Guess who’s going to be on TV?”, “Did you know so and so has joined X (insert really famous band)”, “Well (insert another friend) is now chief editor of X (insert big magazine)”, “Well you know what happened to friend X right? They’re tour manager for X (insert another big band)”.

I never know what to expect when the phone shows his number, it’s either going to be really good or really bad. After reading an interview with a famous musician I started to think about all of the phone calls I’ve received through the years announcing the successes of mutual friends. In my own head lately I’ve been battling with who I am and where I am currently at in this world. I’m human; I am just like everyone else. What am I doing? Would I be happy back in the town that took 11 years and a cross country move for me to call home? A place where everyone knows my name? A place of familiarity? A place where my best friends and sometimes I think my only friends still live? Sure I miss it and sure it brings tears to my eyes with thoughts of the day I can afford to go back. It’s painful to think about for sure.

How did those people he spoke of get where they are? They didn’t just go home? Not that it’s a bad thing because believe me I’d be very happy about it. Am I in the pre-stages of being “the” phone call? Have I already been “the” phone call to our other mutual friends? You always here these stories about people who become successful and it always seems like such an after thought but what about when it’s happening? Do people know its happening? Did Brad Pitt know he was in the pre-stages when he was dressed in a chicken costume working for a fast food restaurant? I have so many doors and opportunities opening up for me yet I remain humbled and modest about it. It’s not my cup of tea to boast about things or show them off. I talk about them surely but do I really know what’s going on? Hell no! I am sitting in an empty apartment sipping my cheap wine and wishing I could afford furniture and rent. I’m not complaining, this is not a sob story, there’s plenty of bitching I could do but let’s face it; I got myself here.

This seems to be the era where grass roots Indy kids are allover the radio, internet and television. Maybe I have a chance in hell; if only I could figure out what I’m looking for. I’m an ok writer, I’m an ok hairdresser, I’m an ok photographer, and I’m pretty damn good at talking to myself. Who knows what this world holds…I don’t. All I know is, I will probably never know. Maybe my friend will call and tell me the news about me.

The end….ok maybe not…deal with it.

California is for Weirdoes

2006-10-01T13:46:00.000-07:00

I find myself driving down the road…slowly…almost eerily slow, like there’s a ridiculous amount of traffic or something. I look to my right and see a fellow who for a split second I think “he’s insane.” Then I realize he’s not crazy, he’s praying. His shirt is neatly spread onto the ground, sandals set to his side and head bowed in holy silence. Normally this public spectacle wouldn’t interest me so much but he had a McDonald’s cup placed to his right and he was facing their building. Is he praying to McDonald’s? I mean I know they kill cows and all and in some countries cows are sacred but then I don’t think that would explain the cup. The traffic light turns green and I pull forward. For the umpteenth time I’m lost, in this case there’s a simple solution to my problem, a U-turn, this should be easy. I pull up to the next light; no U-turn allowed “Ok, I’ll motor.” My head slowly turns to the left as I start to feel like I’m permanently stuck in a sluggish time warp or a “Movie moment” where everything happens in slow motion. To my left I see a fellow shouting into the air, “He must have turrets.” After a long pause, watching his moves I realize “Noooooo, he’s the one who’s crazy.” He doesn’t have turrets, he’s actually talking to someone, and the longer I stare the more his invisible friend was making an impression in my head. “I’ve gotta get out of here.” Several street lights, about 20 minutes, and one illegal U-turn later I’m passing by the little fellow praying to the holy fast-food restaurant. He is like a statue sitting unmoved. I wondered what would happen if I pulled over and joined him. Would I become enlightened? Would he notice and/or take offence? Maybe I need a crazy moment of purity, after all I am in Los Angeles and my impression thus far is that everything is weird here.

In an attempt to change things in my life I have once again departed from my city of residence for a new one. This will be the fourth time I’ve had a major move geared for a new life and world. Two were not my choice and two were, all four times were immediately surrounded by weirdness.

Move one; I was 2 months old when my parents decided to move the family from a growing small town in upstate New York to a not so growing small town in Maine. My mom promptly collided her car with a moose, obviously we are ok.

Move two; my dad, sister and I (age 16) moved from Maine, upgrading to a slightly bigger town in North Carolina which usually had very low crime. Our move into the new house was delayed by some kid who shot his dad and was having a standoff with the police by hiding in a tree house, still holding a loaded shotgun. The first restaurant we ate at was Hooters.

Move three; at age 26, I packed up my car and moved from North Carolina to an even bigger town in Arizona. The cross country drive had enough weirdness to fill a novel so I’ll refrain. We’ll just say it was complete with fingerless mechanics and me having a nervous breakdown in the freezing cold desert.

Move four; I am currently 29 years old and am going from Arizona upgrading a third time to California. Its official, I have arrived. So far I’ve been here about a month and I’ve had enough odd things happen to me that I almost wonder if I’ve finally found my place or if it’s time to loop around and start over. Let me count the weirdness.

I peed on a spider
I had another spider hitching a ride on the back of my shirt
I’ve finally seen a man juggling in the grocery store trying to impress a girl (I actually found this quite endearing so guys, take notes, if you want to impress a girl, juggle her melons)
My reserved parking space has been stolen 3 days in a row at my new apartment complex.
Some friends were almost in a gang fight over another reserved parking space.
I saw a truck full fledge run over someone else’s muffler on the highway creating quite a spectacular display of sparks.
I had to chase a UPS truck all over the city because he wouldn’t wait 2 seconds as I was handing him my package. (Why is a UPS truck faster than me? WTF?)
I was ridiculed by said UPS truck driver and UPS driving friends, but that’s ok, I called him baldy with a smile on my face leaving him totally confused as to weather I was hitting on him or picking on him. As he left, the growing crowd was treated to the site of me flipping him the bird and saying “Douche bag” while still wearing my big grin. (my package never got shipped, UPS if you’re listening, you’re a bunch of Douches)
While getting coffee my coffee boy said “Yours is going to take a little longer, I need to make some milk.” So I said “That sounds so dirty!” Blushing he responded, “Ummm, sorry I meant I have to make some cream.” I gave him a cynical evil glare and we started laughing.
I saw two ghetto birds
Streets are labeled as highways or routes…if it has a traffic light it’s a street!
I caused a police car to collide with a guard rail
My boyfriend has received two traffic violations for ridiculous reasons. I don’t care what the police say; doing 46mph on a major road is not speeding, especially when traffic is going 50.
Some friends and I were forced to drive up the on ramp to get off the highway when a suspected radioactive briefcase was discovered shutting down two major highways only to discover it was (get this) a brief case (gasp!).
I saw a swarm of killer bees…seriously it was a swarm of bees the size of a Mack truck. A guy was walking and actually ducked under them like you would go under a pole and kept walking.
I have not seen any rain but the ground is always wet.
I think I felt my first earthquake but I couldn’t say for sure since nobody else seemed to notice the concrete floor of the grocery store rumble and a bunch of products fall from the shelves.
California doesn’t seem to believe in U-turns but they also don’t seem to believe in left turns either which inadvertently forces you to make an illegal u-turn
People pray to McDonalds
People have invisible friends

I’m sure there are plenty of things I’m missing but this has been my observations thus far.

Weirdoes

Draining the Lizard

2006-09-19T13:57:00.000-07:00

Well hello boys and girls! Today’s topic is pee. Yup, that’s right; we’re talking about the glorious golden stream that we call urine. I was on my long walk to bathroom which I take several times during the day allowing me to contemplate many things. As my bladder was swelling and urgency was taking over I realized I had not announced to the boys where I was headed off to. Not that it’s necessary to announce it, I just recall on numerous occasions that guys always feel the need to mention they are going to “Drain the Lizard”. Do we really need this visualization? Not really. Do they really have a little scaly cold blooded monster in their pants? Quite possibly. Why do they say it? Is it the polite way of saying “I’m going to go tinkle and quite possibly hit the toilet seat in the process”? Who knows?
All I know is I’m going to have a new fraise next time I march off to the porcelain thrown. “Hey guys, I’m going to go liquefy the taco!” Or “Pardon me while I go release my furburger’s special sauce!” Maybe even, “The bearded clam is going to throw up now.”

On that note it has been approximately 15 minutes since my lizard’s cave drained its waterbed…soon I will have revenge.

I thoroughly encourage you to add any other horribly wrong analogies you see fit.

Toot Toot

2006-09-15T17:03:00.000-07:00

stripes
Originally uploaded by StoopidGirl.

Most days I'm usually pretty modest about my photography...but today I will take the not so subtle route.

I fucking rule

toot toot <---that's me tooting my own horn

PS-there was no editing involved in this shot, just a minor level adjustment

I will now go do the happy dance
www.rogueminis.com

It's up! It's up!

2006-08-20T23:56:00.000-07:00

My Motor Trend Article is online! Yaaaaaay!

In case you missed my first post (slackers) I'm writing an article for Motor trend about "Mini takes the States" (huge Mini Cooper event)...it can be found here
I am hopping on the road for the next two weeks and will be updating the article/journal with pictures and nifty stuff as much as possible. I got front page (yay), please help me keep it that way and spread the word! (insert obligatory guilt trip, if you love me you will repost)
Thanks for the support
Emily
a-k-a
StoopidGirl

I have arrived

2006-08-20T14:53:00.000-07:00

and it was not in style, just true Emiy fashion.

As many of you know I finally decided to get out of Scottsdale. I didn’t mind the place, it just wasn’t for me. As of yesterday I have officially left the state of Arizona and headed for sunny California. I had planned to leave by 5am Saturday morning but there was this nagging feeling that I would be lazy and not leave until much later, there for thrusting me into oodles of icky traffic (you like all those descriptive words don’t you?). This nagging feeling is what woke me up at 3am. Eek! Unable to sleep I hopped in my little pink Mini Cooper, jam packed with stuff and took off. It’s crazy how many things I squeezed into that car, I really wish I had taken a picture; I don’t think David Copperfield could have done a better job. I have now been in California a full 24 hours, within this time frame I have gotten thrown onto 2 totally different highways forcing me to go way out of the way only to turn around.

The first incident was on my way into town, I was tired, the two Redbulls I had drank weren’t doing me any good and my salsa flavored Cheez-Its were not satisfying my tummy. I once again had a nagging feeling. I called someone who was like “Ooh your fine, just keep going the directions are right.” So I did. After passing several signs telling me my destination was in the complete opposite direction and a sign saying I had just crossed the San Diego line I knew I was in trouble. I went over 40 miles out of my way and showed up about an hour later then I should have and almost fell on my face when I stepped out of the car due to a full bladder. When you take a wrong turn and finally get on the right path, all you want to do is get there. Screw the bladder, it can wait (all though California’s very bumpy roads didn’t help). One wrong turn down, one to go.

I tried to take a nap to catch up on my lack of sleep and exhaustion from the drive. Nope, once again I was out of luck. A friend of mine called and invited me to dinner. Sweet I’m starved and they’re only 5 miles away. My lovely directions from a well known website, once again looked so easy. Two right turns and a left, no problem, I’ll be there in no time! I found the first right turn ok but then the road split into two highways, uh oh. Think Emily think, which way do I go? I went strait. As soon as I did, I realized the stinking roads out here lie. The other direction, the way I should have gone was not a highway! How can they call that a highway, it could be a street, road, boulevard or even Avenue but not highway! What is the deal out here? This is the 2^nd time for crying out loud. No problem I thought, I’ll just get off at the next exit and turn around. Well the next exit was 2 more highways so I skipped it and drove ten more miles to the next real exit only to find out I had to drive another mile, make an illegal u-turn in order to get back on the highway. Ok few, I’m going back in the same direction and oh look, there’s an exit for the road I had been looking for in the first place. Cool, I’ll take it. No sooner do I get to the off-ramp do I realize the exit is forcing me to go right and drive strait through the LAX airport with no u-turns allowed. I actually said very loudly “You have got to be f*cking kidding me?!” another illegal u-turn later and I was finally going in the right direction (again). I arrived minutes later only to realize the street I was suppose to turn left on doesn’t go left because left has a different name but I went left because that’s what the directions told me. Are you still with me? Yeah? Well guess what? I was supposed to go right. My 5 mile trek turned into a half hour ordeal. But dinner was good and today I found $6 on the ground next to my Mini. Someone must have thought she was Stripper pink! Hahahaha…I’m going to go frivolously spend my $6 on whatever the hell I want because I deserve it damnit.

Dear California,
Please fix your highway names, signs (or lack there of) and pot holes. My Mini hates your roads and so do I. To put it nicely, They suck!
Thank you
Sincerely
Your disgruntled new tenant
Emily

PS
Thank you for the money but it will take a lot more than $6 to make me like you but I am bribable.

Track ME!

2006-08-17T11:04:00.000-07:00

Ok guys here's another quick update as I'm extremely busy trying to get ready for the move to California and the Mini Takes the States trip Aug. 21st to September 5th, don't forget to keep an eye out for my Article/Journal at Motor Trend's Website it should be titled "Words from MINI Takes the States" and posted this Monday(possibly in the travel section)!
List of locations;
Day 1 - Monday, August 21
Start: Monterey, CA to Santa Barbara, CA
Day 2 - Tuesday, August 22
Santa Barbara, CA to Las Vegas, NV
Day 3 - Wednesday, August 23
Las Vegas, NV to Flagstaff, AZ
Day 4 - Thursday, August 24
Flagstaff, AZ to Albuquerque, NM
Day 5 - Friday, August 25
Albuquerque, NM to Amarillo, TX
Day 6 - Saturday, August 26
Amarillo, TX to Dallas, TX
Day 7 - Sunday, August 27
Dallas, TX to Memphis,TN
Day 8 - Monday, August 28
Memphis, TN to Nashville, TN
Day 9 - Tuesday, August 29
Nashville, TN to St Louis, MO
Day 10 - Wednesday, August 30
St Louis, MO to Indianapolis, IN
Day 11 - Thursday, August 31
Indianapolis, IN to Charleston, WV
Day 12 - Friday, September 1
Charleston, WV to Charlottesville, VA
Day 13 - Saturday, September 2
Charlottesville, VA to Washington, DC
Day 14 - Sunday, September 3
Washington, DC to Jersey City, NJ
Day 15 - Monday, September 4
Jersey City, NJ End; Lakeville, CT

The big news is finally here!

2006-08-12T13:59:00.000-07:00

StoopidGirl takes the states
(now you know why I've dissapeared for a while)

Well guys, its official! I have been given the chance of a lifetime. Not only am I moving to Los Angeles at the end of this week, a large British Mini Cooper Magazine is running an article on my car PinkSlip and me (more info soon), but I get to embark on the entire jaunt that is; Mini Takes the States! (MTTS)

Somebody up in those clouds for what ever reason really loves me this month. I don’t know why but they do, I get to run around, be silly, take loads of photos, cruise with the astonishing Fireballed! Race team, and….and…oh yeah (minor detail) write a daily journal for Motor Trend Magazine’s website about the whole thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Insert my best pep talk voice) Can I get wittiness?! Hallelujah my brothers and sisters! The day has come! Let us rejoice and drive our little cars from one coast to the next spreading the gospel that is Mini!

(Cough)

Ok back to the information;

I will not have my pink Mini on the trip but I will be riding and found in the general vicinity of the Fireballed! Team Racers. I will also be lugging around my camera as well as some other goodies. If you have anything interesting you think I should take photos of, want to hear about the spiffy things I might be carrying or just want to say hello please do so! I’m quite friendly I swear.

The Motor Trend journal has not been named yet so feel free to give me suggestions. It will be located on their website as soon as MTTS starts, so for those of you who can’t make it and want to follow a long or just want to hear my rambling and see what/who’s photos made the cut please check it out.

See you guys one the road!

For my non Mini friends or anyone who might be interested in finding me on this journey;

Mini Takes the States is a 2 week long road trip with approximately 4000 other Mini Cooper owners. It starts on August 21^st in Monterey, California and ends September 4th in Lakeville, Connecticut. For more info please go to www.miniusa.com and click the Mini Takes the States link for gives loads of information about the trip and events. I might be coming to a town near you!The Fireballed! Team Racers

The Fireballed! Trailer we'll be toating around

Some of the people making this trip possible for me are;

Motor Trend Magazine http://www.motortrend.com/

Fireballed! Racing http://fireballed.com/

Autotech Interiors http://autotechinteriors.com/

Rogue Minis http://rogueminis.com/

Mynes Performance http://mynesperformance.com/shop/

Well I'm not a total idiot

2006-08-10T10:45:00.000-07:00

I figured out the "Pee" problem I was having on my previous post. I am currently sitting at my desk with a wet ass yet again. This time I stood up after using the toilet and felt the wetness hit my arm from my sweater. WTF? I thought, I made EXTRA sure that my long sweater did not go anywhere near my stream this time. The toilets we have at work are the typical office building ones with the tall metal tube and metal flushing until on the backside. The damn thing is leaking so when I sit down, my sweater is hitting the tube and absorbing all the (cough) water. Judging by the smell I am going to assume it is not "jus" water. I don't know what is worse, being a total idiot and peeing on my sweater or possibly wearing other peoples pee? Damn that first stall! I will boycott it from now one for it is evil and will be added to my ever growing list of satanic appliances sent to earth by the Devil to be the bain of my existence.

Having a bad day?

2006-08-04T23:09:00.000-07:00

Be glad you're not me.

It started out a great day. I woke up all happy with pep in my step. I didn't mind going to work because I was full on ready to put in my 2 week notice and move to California in 2 weeks because both job interviews I had last week went really well. Then I find out the job I really wanted hired someone else...no biggie, I'll take my 2nd choice it's a shorter drive (bonus). Then I find out from someone else (not the employer) that I'm "over qualified" which translates to, "We don't want someone who's going to move up the food chain because we've been at this job 20 years and we're losers, so why would we hire someone who will give us competition and make us look bad? Sorry we think you're to human to work here!" (grrrrrr)

Insert bad mood and beginning of headache, all hope is lost, I need a hug...watery puppy eyes are becoming noticeable to those around me and they are becoming suspicious.

Then my bosses take away more resources and give us new tasks on top of our already impossible workload making my departments' job completely ridiculous, but what do they care?

I get back to my desk after meandering around trying not to burst into the song MY CUBICLE(listen to it! it will make you giggle) very loudly because I'm going insane and quitting regardless of the risk. All of a sudden I feel something wet on my butt....hmmmm? What could that be? I don't know, I ignore it and it goes away. A few hours later I sit down and realize my butt is wet again! WTF? I'm not do for my "girly issues" for a little while...hmmmm? Then I realize I must have accidentally dropped the back of my jacket-length sweater in the toilet and peed all over it, not once but TWICE! (only me)...so I say the hell with it! I'm mad, I want to go home, and I can't find my boyfriend, so I march my butt into human resources and in the middle of announcing my resignation with an evil grin on my face I realize I smell like PEE! (nice Emily...real nice)

For some reason people felt the need to come hug me after I sent out my mass "I'm outy 5000"email and tell me they'll miss me, I suppose it makes me feel a little better but it didn't stop me from feeling the need to tell them to keep a 5 foot distance because I smelled like a bum after a sweet night of partying, passing out and pissing their pants. Maybe I will fit in in Los Angeles after all. Hey(don't blame me), I'm just trying to look on the bright side.

California here I come!

Beware of Dog

2006-07-30T22:19:00.000-07:00

(yup, another quick update...a real one is coming soon I promise)

you know...I keep wondering why I keep my boyfriend around...and then I remember it's because he's like a puppy dog....ok, a lot like a puppy dog...my friend Brian’s puppy dog Kona to be exact. He farts, he slobbers, and chews up my shoes, but then he makes that irresistible puppy dog face....awwwwwwwww, can you get any more adorable than this?

I've been kidnapped by martians!

2006-07-18T19:44:00.000-07:00

Ok not really. I'm still here, I promise. I've just been super busy in my personal life. I've actually had quite a bit to write about, just no time or effort to do so when the day is done. I'll explain my absence more at a later date. Hopefully in a week or two things will calm down a little...or continue to be a whirlwind. But it's a good whirlwind. Wonderful things are upon me.

Lucky for you guys I do have a couple new photos. I did a photo shoot for a hair salon here in Scottsdale, AZ called Puzzles Studio. We had lots of obstacles to overcome like bad lighting, small spaces (I have no wide angle lens...my birthday is in January), girls who have never modeled before so they were stiff (I should have bought beer), and 110 degree weather (yup...beer). Anyway, I will post the first few shots. I don't in any way feel they are my strongest but they are still good shots and the ladies came out pretty...yay girls! I have plenty of editing to do and many shots to sort through so for those of you who follow my photography keep checking my Flickr account to see what pops up (in my photos...not your pants you pervs)
Enjoy!

Good lord

2006-07-08T22:48:00.000-07:00

Here's one from the vaults that probably should be locked away forever and never allowed out of my closet again. I was sitting here on my wonderfully boring Saturday night with little to no motivation. I have photos to edit and boxes to pack but I just don't want to and you can't make me. Maybe I should write in my blog? It's been a while. Naaaa I haven't had much to write about. I did manage to horribly Photoshop a picture of a friend of mine into a wedding photo with this chick who totally disgusts him. Unfortunately I can't post it or she might see it and that would be bad. I value being alive and I can't even fathom the wrath of terror that would be brought upon my head. So in an attempt to avoid my blog (that's right, you heard me) I was going to check my email. I typed in hot and the suggestion box of links popped up with the obvious "Hotmail". I hit enter without completely following through. I didn't get hotmail, I got something far worse. I was rerouted to hotornot.com! Oh good god I thought. Here's a site of pure evilness. When it first hit the scene years ago (because the internet is a scene) I checked it out and thought it was funny. I spent a few hours rating people and contemplating the results. I am an evil rater as well, if someone looks like a jerk or completely conceited I will knock them down (I'm a girl so I'm eveil by nature). I'm sure to some people who post photos it's just funny but to others it's a last ditch effort for them to feel good about themselves or boost their egos. I'm curious how many suicides have taken place after someone didn't get the ranking they were hoping for. My point is that I decided one night to post a photo...just to see where I ranked. It really didn't matter to me either way, I'm comfortable in my skin and thought I'd be at least on the higher end of the spectrum. When I first posted it was a pretty normal photo but a flattering one none the less. I remember checking it and being confused. I think I had ranked around a 6. I posted a more sexy photo and as expected my ranking shot up to a 9.5. I used this as leverage in conversations because of the outright silliness that is "Hot or Not". Someone would say something to me and I'd just be like "Oh yeah...well Hot or Not says I'm a 9.5 so neener neener neener." or some crap like that. Eventually the novelty of it all wore off and I forgot all about it. That is until now. I don't even know how many years it's been, 4 or 5 at least. It took me a couple tries to remember my password but I finally got it. Immediately a photo of a scary lady pops onto my screen with the words "Do you want to meet her yes or no?" Oh hell no! Blech..Ptewey. Are these people still as rediculous as I remember them being? OH yeah, trailer park goodness is alive and well on the internet and I'm about to have a rendezvous. I checked my stats, my 9.5 has now dropped to a 6.7. Times have changed; being hot now seems to require a thong and a Myspace account. The dilemma of the evening is do I post a current photo to test the system again? Surely if I do I will most likely forget all about it again for another 5 years? Hmmmm? Maybe the one where I'm being silly, they'll love that. I now have something completely pointless to waste my evening away. Thank you Hot or Not, you have once again cured my boredom momentarily.

7-9 Update;
I just went back to hotornot and now it's asking me if I want to meet this guy! eek! I'm sure he's got a great personality. Besides...I'm happily married, so, sorry dude I have to say no. As for my score so far I've been bumped up to a 7.9...not sure how that happened with the photo I posted. It must be my infectious stupidity. Oh sheesh, the havoc continues, I just went to my profile on there and I was 24 so it's been longer than I thought. It's been 5 years! And my "meet me" button was active which means because I logged in it has tossed me into the singles area...don't want that, it's been FIXED! Awww but if I leave it active I can shamelessly advertise my blog or flickr or website. Damn, I think my evilness is shrinking (or I really do love my man).

It’s alive!!! Alive!!!!

2006-07-05T13:07:00.000-07:00

I have followed in the steps of the mighty Doctor Frankenstein and created a Monster. “Igor! Fetch me my links it’s time for the show!” I will now maniacally rub my hands together and laugh an evil horrible laugh that only an insane person can, “Muwah ha ha ha! It’s alive!”

Be afraid, be very afraid.

I am FrankenStoo and this my friends is my monster. I have built my very first website complete with nifty Paypal buttons I designed myself. What is this crazy concoction you ask? (this is me pretending you really did ask) Why, it’s a website for the Rogue Mini eyes! For those of you who don’t know, the eyes are a small portion of the Mini obsession I share with my boyfriend. You see, Mini Coopers’ headlights are attached to their Bonnet (that’s the hood for you non Mini folk) and beneath them in the engine bay are these two blank spots that have so desperately begged for our mercy. My boyfriend has created ridiculously cool 3D eyes and printed them on the best quality Vinyl to fill the void. We are sharing them with the world so now all the Minis can be complete. Even if you’re a non-Mini folk please check it out and let me know what you think. I am still working out the kinks with the website (like the nightmare Mini eyes page) but for now I think it looks pretty darn good! So go there…go there now or forever be damned to all eternity for not clicking my link….if you touch it you can tell everyone you touched StoopidGirls’ link (ewww…dirty)

Cali

2006-06-30T12:33:00.000-07:00

Tim announces
Originally uploaded by StoopidGirl.

Well, you may not recognize the famous person in this photo , but this is Fireball Tim and he's famous for various behind the scenes stuff and is making a cross over with numerous projects. A lot of them are underway, some of which I am having the pleasure of being involved. He has designed cars for all sorts of movies (Jurassic Park, Gone in 60 seconds) as well as Monster Garage (hence the reason Jesse James punched him in the arm at the races). This is Tim doing the announcements at the Irwindale Raceway last weekend for bunches of people. About 35-40 Mini Coopers got to drive around the track for the opening ceremony. My boyfriend got to drive Tim's car the Mach 3 and blow it's "farm animal" noises horn. It was a good day.
Once again this is a short update as I'm hopping on a plane in a few hours and it's back to Cali for me.
Sing it with me
"I'm going back to Cali, to Cali. I'm going ba...."

Hallelujah it's raining Stars

2006-06-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of updates, I’ve been super busy. I did manage to go to LA last weekend and am going again this weekend. While out there I saw a bunch of famous people. It was like a sea of stars…ok not really. It was my involvement and obsession with Mini Coopers that allowed me to have my wee little brush with fame. I met some of the stars and others flew by so quick I didn’t even know it was them. The only person I got a picture of was Jesse James and I didn’t even get to be in the photo. I will post some of the pictures from the weekend soon. Until then here is my list;

Jesse James (Monster Garage) He punched FireBall Tim’s arm…yes on purpose, it was a love tap.

Sandra Bullock (so perty) she’s a fast walker

Ryan Cabrerra (Ashley Simpson's teeny bopper singing Ex) I should probably be ashamed of myself for knowing his name. I am not ashamed that I would love to take my scissors to his head

Tone-Loc (he sounds so smooth) Another fast walker
Me;“Hey that sounds like Tone-Loc”
Friend; “Emily….That was Tone-Loc.”
Me;"Oh”

Larry Guterman (director of Cats & Dogs) Nice fellow…ridiculously green eyes…he must be an Alien

And the Name game continies

2006-06-20T13:19:00.000-07:00

It is time once again for me to post the updated list of the "What were their parent's thinking?!" names. These are names I see on a day to day basis and giggle at, as I am the all mighty cubicle dwelling paper pusher during the day and at night I'm a lazy yet creative nerd girl.
So here you have it, a list of people who probably wanted to shoot themselves growing up due to the amount of play ground torture they received. I will excuse the ones who have names with Asian decent, they are exempt due to the fact that it is probably a normal name in their culture where we Americans get a good giggle from it. Some are funny, some are cute, and some are just down right wrong. Ahhh mindless entertainment, can it get any better?

Hung Duong (wife, Mi Duong)
Li Qing Wang
Woody Roper
Sach Ryder
Harry Panis
Pearl Tang
Rich Tang
Ta-Me Cherry
Happy Johnson
Richard Stiff
Luice Yang
Ivory White (black guy)
Rock Groupe
Cat Hart
Toy Hart
Theodore Strange III
Tuesday McClain
Bo Ho
Dung Ho
Laguna Pu
Juan Valdez
Bryan A.Ferari
Candy Camero
Fancy English
Warren Tittlemier
Mark S. Life
Randy Cloud
Frank S. Arce
Brooke Sky Blue
Zenon Butts
Vu Do
Joy Butts
Comfort Banjo
Christian Antkow
Jay Walker
Harry Smiley
P.Marker
Anneta Boozer

Overwhelming Cuteness

2006-06-16T09:32:00.000-07:00

I know I've posted my ridiculously cute baby bunny photo before but today I'm posting it again with another shot so you can see his actual size. This is an old photo which I never posted until I woke up this morning and realized my boyfriend had posted it on a forum. I took this photo to show how small the baby bunny really was. People seemed to misunderstand his itty bitty-ness because of the camera angle and kept asking why he didn't run away. Well, now you know, it's because he was super small and all cute and wiggly and shaky and stuff.I took these photos when I went to help a friend excavate some land so he can start building a house. During the day we came across this baby bunny. These are the rabbits that run free throughout Arizona and most people consider them pests. We see the grown-ups quite often but it's rare we see the babies. I love seeing them in my neighborhood and besides, it's their land too. I held on to him for a while and then walked him to a safer spot so we wouldn't hurt him with our big scary human machines. Before anyone jumps on me saying I shouldn't have touched the baby bunnies with my human scent, well, I had no choice as stopping the excavating was not an option and I'd rather take a chance at moving thim then watching the little guy get chopped up into lots of little pieces.

Ass Kicking

2006-06-14T18:28:00.000-07:00

So for about a month I've been playing around with the battle of the blogs. I've won some and I've lost some but there has been one person who consistantly kicks my ass. After numerous whippings I decided I would threaten her. And threaten her I did....muwah ha ha ha! I threatened her the only way I knew how...With a .JPEG!
So here it is, this is for little Miss Tracy over at Winged Emotion. It's also for anyone else who has kicked my ass and made me like it, you know who you are. Yes yes, I'm a dirty little whore, tell me what else is new? But at least I'm a clean dirty little whore....um...yeah

Just for the record...I kicked Tracy's ass on a battle today! Woot! There's always a first for everything. Even though it took me like 20 tries.

How do you know when you spend too much time on the Internet?

2006-06-12T10:36:00.000-07:00

When your boyfriend wakes you up in the middle of the night and informs you that you were sitting upright in bed, typing on an imaginary keyboard, and complaining the website you are viewing sucks because it doesn’t have what you’re looking for.

How do you know when you’re going to grow up and be obsessed with the humor of bodily fluids?

When you’re 10 and your mom informs you that you were sleep walking, had woken her up, proceeded to do an impressive display of the “Pee pee dance” exclaiming that the bathroom was too far for you to make it, and you’d much rather pee in the “Crayon bucket”. You then proceeded to go back to bed. Now ever since the incident you tell the story like it had some great significance to your life.

FrankenFeet

2006-06-11T15:37:00.000-07:00

This is an older story of mine but for some reason it was never posted over here. I also submitted this in my creative writing class for an assignment, I don't remember the teacher being too amused. So for todays post I subject you to;
FRANKENFEET!

I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it! Today I came to work just like any other day. I was pleasantly minding my own business when, WHAM! One of my coworkers walks by with sandals on. Did I just see what I thought I just saw? Yes sir, I sure did! There it was one lonesome, mangled toe. It was long, curved and hanging over the end of his sandal waving and saying "Top of the morning' to ya!”

I kid you not, the little guy just winked at me rendering me speechless and frozen to my spot with eyes glued downward. Seeing this atrocity brought to mind a few very important questions. What is worse, showing off five scary frankentoes, or just the one? I am guessing the others ran away in fright because they are most certainly not attached. What is my can of chunky chicken noodle soup I brought for lunch made of? I think I now know where the other toes ran off to. And last but not least isn’t it easier to manicure feet with a total of six toes rather than ten? It appears I may be wrong.

This is not the first time I have encountered such a shock resulting in a shutdown of all my verbal skills. I once had a friend who was a chronic sandal wearer (I fear the coworker might be as well). He had this one toe with two nails on it like little horns. I understand being proud of who you are. All I ask is, do not get mad at me when I can not focus on your eyes while having a deep philosophical conversation with you because my attention is focused on little baby Igor. He looks cold, you should tuck him in. PLEASE! For crying out loud, put the bugger away. I am not in the mood to play with him and give him kisses. “Oogy boooogy boo, does wittle baby Igor want to pway?” Now you would think that only common folk are struck with this desire to show off their mangled midgets, but nooo. One of the most famous people on this planet likes to show off their little piggies. Then again, I have always suspected Paris Hilton was an alien.

So there I was

2006-06-09T12:38:00.000-07:00

Sitting on the couch watching television with two girls when one of them made a funny cat noise with her mouth. I don’t remember what we were watching but it was funny and we all laughed. Then she did it again….and again….and again. Finally I looked to the girl on my left and said “If she does that one more time I’m leaving.”. Well guess what? She did it again, so I stormed upstairs. This didn’t help, I could still hear the annoying cat noise over and over like a broken record. Right when I was about to go back downstairs and shove a shampoo bottle down her throat and yell “You have overstepped your bounds of funniness, go back to hell you spawn of Satan!” I Then realized it wasn’t her at all. It was me! It was my nose making the obnoxious squeaky noise. I rubbed it and picked it (I love picking my nose) but to no avail. It wouldn’t stop and it was driving me insane. Finally I went for a walk hoping the fresh air would clean my clogged sinuses. A few minutes passed and my eyes opened. Something had just awoken me. I looked at the clock, it was 5AM! It wasn’t my alarm, I’ve got 2 good hours left. “Squeeeeeeeak!” It was my nose! My squeaky nose had subconciously entered my dreams. Ahhhhhh! I picked it…it was the mother of all loads (yay). The noise stopped. (Insert sigh of relief). You mean to tell me I could have done this an hour ago and had restful sleep? Damn you nose from hell! Damn yoooooooou!!!!!

I need coffee

Words

2006-06-07T19:00:00.000-07:00

I love it when conversations don't happen the way they are planned.
Here's an example of a conversation between my other half and I. Take note that when he calls me bad words it just means I'm special.

HIM; What are those girls called on the airplanes?
ME; Hostess'?
HIM; No idiot, the ones from the 50's
ME; Ummmm...Attendants?
HIM; No asshole, the ones on the outside of the planes.
ME; Oooooh, Pin-up girls!
HIM; I love you
ME; Me too stinky poo face!

House of Stoo

2006-06-03T11:24:00.000-07:00

By BlueDonutKing

Based on a self portrait

It has come to my attention lately that a lot of female bloggers use sexy cartoons in their layouts when they in fact do not look anything like those cartoons (I've done some research and it's usually quite the contrary). That's fine, I like sexy cartoons, some of them are fucking hot as hell. Anyway, I have never put a sexy cartoon on my blog or in my layout, nor am I HTML talented enough to do so. But I have had some cartoons drawn of me by some extremely cool and talented individuals...and yes, these cartoons reflect what I look like. Check my Flickr if you don't beleive me, I'm a real girl who was once an ugly duckling.

Enjoy and please check the links for more of their art.

By the fabulous Shark

By Mike C.
Based on a self portrait

SUV Relief Fund

2006-06-01T18:52:00.000-07:00

Are you tired of having too much money? Is being rich (or at least faking like you’re rich) having too much of a burden on you? It has come to my attention recently that there must be some stressed individuals in the world over having too much of everything. Day after day I see these poor souls who must be absolutely perplexed over how much stuff they have. It’s a really horrible thing and should be taken very seriously. These unfortunate people have to spend tons of money day after day just to fill their SUVS only to have that gas get them a few blocks away. Yet the money just keeps coming (oh the humanity). It is so hard for them to find parking spaces let alone park properly; they shouldn’t have to park far away and walk just because they own an SUV. They should be able to park up front just like all the lucky people with small cars (see exhibit A, below). Its discrimination, the parking spaces should be bigger. Just like making a fat person purchase two airplane tickets because they take up twice the space. It’s not their fault they’re fat (usually it’s McDonald’s fault). There fore SUV owners shouldn’t be forced to squeeze into one undersized spot. Don’t blame them if they park too close, they’re completely innocent (See exhibit B, below). This is a plague that hasn’t had a resolution. Well have no fear; I am officially creating the SUV relief fund. All of you SUV owners can send the extra cash that is putting such strain on your life to me. I will graciously accept this burden from you and find a way to dispose of it properly, respectively, and professionally (like on strippers). Once you have offloaded enough weight you can then buy a smaller car (like a Mini Cooper See exhibit C, below). Think of it like liposuction for your wallet!

Please join me in the fight for SUV owner’s rights; let’s unite and cure this epidemic before it's too late.

All photos were taken by me, StoopidGirl

Ultimate internet question

2006-05-31T14:19:00.000-07:00

Are you a;
A.) Ninja a-k-a Sneaky bastard
B.) Pirate a-k-a Scurvey bloke
C.) Halfbreed a-k-a 100% Mutt

See previous post for back story.

I'm a pirate, Arrrrr!

There's a War Brewin

2006-05-31T11:48:00.000-07:00

I love grudge matches between friends. My boyfriend is a 3D animator and is working on using my doodles for the character designs. This whole thing was sparked on a forum thread called Ninjas-vs.-Pirates, for a long time the Ninjas were the majority until us Rogues came along. Rogue is our scary pirate crew’s name. Fear our wrath! Arrrr.

These are our ships. Mine is the little pink one, it’s small but deadly, hence the spooky super evil pink skull. My boyfriend/Lord and Masters’ boat is the “I have a huge cock” blue one. Last but not least our buddy Hollis is the proud captain of the Underground with the red sails and lethal ”you are here” arrow.

The Ninjas got Jealous as they have not been created yet so they hid in the hills and sent in a stealth plane to do their bidding and blow up our ships (pussies). Lucky for us our ships will bounce back and the battle will commence.
And last but not least here is some of the Ninjas!

It's so silly

2006-05-29T19:16:00.000-07:00

It's funny to me when every now and again there's someone on the internet who is so unhappy with their life they feel the need to act like a bully on the playground by putting another person down over something that was so silly and so simple. They seem to forget they get more flies with honey then vinegar. But hey, they started it by leaving a rude comment rather than just saying "hey, could you give me a review, I'd really appreciate it" and no, two wrongs don't make a right but at this point there is nothing I can say or do to make this person happy other than give in and give them what they want, which I will not do because that would be like handing that screaming child in the grocery store the piece of candy. If you throw a tantrum like a 2 year old you will not get what you want. This person has been wasting her time ripping my words to pieces and analyzing every little thing making sure to throw in as many insults as possible to gather a brethren of internet buddies to agree. I don't mind if other people agree with what she has to say, that's their right and quite frankly I agree with some of her statements. Good thing for me I know my readers have been adults about this and are either A.) Bored with my posts on the subject. B.) Just not responding to her because it's the right thing to do. or C.) Thinking let's start the bikini mud wrestling pit! I'm partial to C because apparently she can take me down in 2 seconds. I think it would be more like 3, I'm an Amazon so it might take an extra second to knock me over but I'm sure I fall hard.
The funny part about this is the sole purpose of a previous post of mine, was for her entertainment. Congratulations I gave you another day of something to blog about. Call it the devil's advocate in me, but drama can be fun. I know she enjoys it too...ooh did I just imply we have something in common other then a Vagina?! This will be my last post on the subject so as not to bore my readers to death with such immature drivel. Let the playground insults fly! If their life is that miserable and that meaningless then so be it, it just makes me that much happier I'm not a part of it. Eek! Wait a minute...I better shut my trap now or I actually am a part of it....damn. regardless, I'm truly flattered by this whole thing.

You know what? Here's a proposition and it doesn't matter to me either way because none of this bothers or effects my daily life. If she continues to rip apart my posts so be it, it gives me quite the giggle as I know mine do the same for her, I'm just done posting on the subject. Here's an idea to little miss girly girl who's so keen to write and throw insults (yes I know I'm throwing them too, what fun would it be otherwise?). Fuck the mud wrestling (sorry guys) this is the internet (yes I know internet is for porn) let's settle this little grudge match the way internet chicks do (no...Not by taking our cloths off, unless of course she wants to then I'm game), write me an article. Yup that's right, you can write me an article and pimp your blog or just write about something else. The rules (even though they're pointless because I have a feeling her response will be something along the lines of "fuck that bitch, I would never write on her blog!" or "Wow she's Stoopid!" calling me Stoopid is always a good insult, it's not like I've had that nickname for quite some time)...where was I? Oh yeah, the rules. It has to be funny...yup, that's about it. I'm a humor type of girl and would rather laugh. When I say funny, I mean funny not bitchy(she’s already stated she’s good at that). If you want to continue to rip me a new asshole then fine, just so long as it makes people giggle. That's all, it's pretty simple. You game Blair? Can you suck up your anger and settle it like an adult so we can run off into the sunset frolicking and holding hands? (ok that's a little much)

Oh, and on another note, I was infacte dropped on my head as a child. Here's a little cartoon I drew about it ages ago (man I'm getting old)

Partying with the green fairy

2006-05-29T17:51:00.000-07:00

I decided to try Absinthe for the first time last night. It was late, I was exhausted and someone whipped out the real stuff. How many chances do you actually get to drink this stuff? It wasn't the kind you get online, but the real kind from the Czech Republic full of non legal enjoyment (I.E. the not so appetizing item called wormwood). It had been a long day and we were quite a drive from our house so we figured what the heck, let's do just enough to say we did it. Well, that sucked. I should have at least taken another shot or two. Yes I can gloat that I've drank it but...um...the only thing that happened was the loss of my throats lining. Yup, the damn green shit stripped it right off. I turned beat red as soon as I took the shot and flames flew out of my nostrils searing off what little nose hairs I have. I guess to some people drinking what tastes like the nasty green kind of Nyquil is fun. I'll have to find out another day. We have plans to go back to our friends and drink enough to party with the green fairy, all though I have a feeling the party will be coming back out of my mouth when I do. (insert pirate voice and angry fist shaking) I'm not done with you yet Absinthe, you have not seen the last of me you scurve green bastard!! Arrrr!

Pirates

2006-05-28T12:30:00.000-07:00

Here is a doodle I made of some friends and I as pirates, we have waged war on some Ninjas. This is only the beginning, soon these characters will be made into 3D as my boyfriend/husband/Lord and master is an animator. We already have super spiffy 3D boats so stay tuned.

PS
If you're wondering why there are "scroconuts" not coconuts it's because I have some tattoo artist friends who didn't like someone so when they tattooed a Palm tree onto that person they gave the coconuts little stubbly hairs to make them look like (ahem) scrotums...hence the birth of scroconuts (and I just realized I spelled them wrong on te cartoon...oops)

I eat Jell-O for breakfast

2006-05-28T12:07:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying I am not the smartest person on the planet, hence my nickname StoopidGirl. I’m also not a good speller, I’m dyslexic and I am seriously lacking dexterity (just ask my forehead, it’s walked into many doorways). On the other hand I was breastfed and on occasion I talk to myself which studies have shown that means I’m 20% smarter than the average person (just don’t ask me what studies). My IQ test shows otherwise but I’ll save that for another day.

So today I find myself on the topic of stupidity and the human race for no particular reason other than I’m bored and can’t think of a better topic. I have met groundhogs with higher IQ’s then some people, so for some reason it doesn’t shock me that if you hook Jell-O up to an EEG, it registers movements virtually identical to the brain waves of a healthy adult. That’s right folks, you and a bowl of Jell-O have a lot in common. Fucking amazing aye?

Anyway, on to the Jell-O’s in my life and the things they have tried to convince me of. There is one Jell-O in particular who has had the audacity to argue with me on certain topics. Topics no Jell-O should. You will be wrong….you here me?! W-R-O-N-G!

First of all there’s Mini Coopers. Anyone who knows me knows that I belong to the cult of Mini owners, we are a different breed and take our “cute little clown cars” very seriously and will not hesitate to put you in your place shall you make a stupid comment like “Minis have no head room.” Are you kidding me? That’s like saying babies don’t poop in there diapers. Of course they poop in their diapers! I’m 5’10 and fit just fine, I also know a Mini owner who is 6’9 and you know what? His head doesn’t come close to touching. So Mr. Jell-O…you’re wrong! Wrong wrong wrong!

Second there is the topic of Energy drinks. I am the girl who drank Redbull for an entire month strait to prove to her bosses what it would take to accomplish the excessive tasks they had assigned, there for resulting in the restructuring of a bonus system and a big fat check in my pocket (thank you speed in a bottle). There are tons of energy drinks on the market; I’ve tried 99% of them (Including “Can-O-Whoopass”) and most are lightly carbonated. I was sitting in a room where someone was trying an energy drink for the first time and stated they didn’t like the flavor. My Jell-O advised him in an all knowing manor that it didn’t taste good because all the flavor had settled to the bottom and he was suppose to shake it before opening it. You know what? I think I’m going to go by an energy drink, shake it up extra good, hand it to Mr. Jell-O and state “How you like me now biatch! Tell me I’m wrong again….see where it gets you.”

Thirdly I was born in 1977, I grew up in the 80’s, Cindy Lauper was my idol, and I sang “We’re not going to make it!” instead of “We’re not going to take it!” by Twisted Sister every time I was late and running for the bus stop. I grew up in Maine, my town had a population of 764 people, we had nothing else to do with our time but get drunk and listen to music. I was, and still am an 80’s fan. So the last thing you should argue with me over is who sang a certain 80’s song especially if it’s the song “Warrior” by Scandal because that bitch was the shit. So for your information Mr. Jell-O the song was not sung by Pat Benetar and I garunfuckingtee that Pat and the chick from Scandal would kick your ass for even breathing those words. Next thing you’ know you’re going to try and tell me that Boy George sang “Like a Virgin”.

If you want to be a Jell-O then that’s fine, leave me out of it. I’ve had plenty of my own Jell-O moments but if I’m wrong I’m fine with that. Jell-O’s have an inherent nature to think that they are right even if it’s something that is purely factual and really cannot be argued.

“Bang bang I am the warrior”

Internet Drama (go figure)

2006-05-27T14:30:00.000-07:00

Everyday I am amazed more and more about the stupidity that is the users of the internet. I joined a website called blog explosion which has turned out to be fun and entertaining when I’m bored. Apparently this site is the bible for some people who can’t grow up and leave their insecurities and high school drama at the door (as with any site where people express their feelings, there are bound to be a bunch of immature idiots running around). There is a section for battling other blogs which is the Hot or Not for the blog world. It’s rather silly, it’s basically a false way to boost your ego or knock it down. You win some you loose some, it really shouldn’t be a big deal. The people voting often don’t even read the blogs they just want the credits they can earn. I could loose every battle and not care; it’s only the internet for crying out loud! There are many people who enjoy my blog and others who I’m sure hate it. For instance there is a blogger who battles constantly and from what I know is on the top 10 worst battlers list yet he keeps battling. When I first saw his blog I was like who is this idiot, his blog is ridiculous, he insults everyone and tries to piss everyone off, yet he keeps on going. At first I voted against him because he seemed to have a big huge ego, then I realized he loses all the time. After coming across his blog numerous times I decided I wanted to wage war if I could earn enough credits (he’s a high roller) and I left him a comment saying so. This comment could have been taken badly and was an open opportunity for him to bash me with immature insults. But did he? Nope, he said liquor cures all…now I vote for him all the time. Thanks hamburger boy, you have earned an honorable mention in my blogging world and I’m still waiting for my battle.

There is also a section on this site for renting blogs. Do you see the nice little thumbnail on the right? That’s my renter. They paid me credits which were earned for looking at other blogs or voting on the battles, but all in all the credits didn’t cost them ANYTHING other than a little spare time. Sometimes I have liked my renter’s blogs and if during that particular week I can find time to read and comment on there’s I will, but unfortunately this doesn’t always happen. Some times like my renter this week we’re not even the same type of bloggers but hey, they wanted to rent and may or may not get clicks from me, it’s the chance they took but I’m more than happy to help them out and have their thumbnail. Why am I writing about this boring subject you ask? Well, I had someone who had apparently been blogging about me being a “slum lord” because I had not reviewed her blog nor had I commented on it. I had actually wanted to read her blog because she seemed interesting but found myself stressed at work that week and extremely busy at home. So life consumed me and the week flew by. Keep in mind I never promised a review, nor do I give them unless I am absolutely amazed by the blog. The reason for this is simple. When I write I try to make it something fun and interesting, if I have nothing to write about I usually don’t write at all. If I wanted to read a blog that was full of reviews I would but I don’t like reading reviews there for I don’t expect my readers to either. Now if the thumbnail to the right looks interesting it is your choice to click it, I’m not going to guilt you into it or ask you to because that’s rude. If I rent from someone I would not expect them to write a review about me and then be a whiney bitch on their blog as well as my own for them not giving me one. Reviews are nice and it’s great that people give them and I’ll be greatful shall someone review me, but I’m sorry it is just not my thing. IT's called "Rent my blog" not "Pimp my blog", no where does it say that the soul purpose of renting someone's blog is for them to pimp you out.

So to the girl who is in a state of permanent PMS I say grow up, quite wasting your time on badmouthing me as well as others because all it does is make you look like a jerk not those you speak of. To my readers I’m sorry for this long post about insignificant stuff, I just wanted to get it out because sometimes people on the internet are plain angry. I am thankful for the readers and renters I do have, even the lurkers who don’t post. You guys are all appreciated and you rock! With that said I will now step away form my computer and go enjoy the real world. I promise a more time worthy post will come soon.

I am blogged out

2006-05-25T22:20:00.000-07:00

I have been racking my brains all day as to what I should write about and I'm drawing a complete blank. I'm going to go ahead and guess it's because I'm thinking about it too hard and not that my brain has actually made it to the end of what I have to offer. Part of me feels like I should just type random words like boobies, sex, and porn just so the "ping" radars will pick it up. But what good would that do? I suppose any attention is good attention right? Even if it is from dirty fucking perverts looking for a little pussy or tits on the internet. Damn I did it again with those foul words. I seriously appologize for the lack of intelligent thinking going on in thise post. I am blonde so blame my roots. I suppose there are some non pervs on the net....um....ok nevermind. You're all a bunch of Heathens! No more google for you! wait...I love google. I'm addicted to the image search option. For some reason I always get stuck on searching the worst words possible like camel toe or perverts. You'd think I'd learn my lesson by now that even the non dirtiest of words will search something twisted (i.e. apple ass or santa).

If you are a dirty internet whore who found me through some random word search please let me know by leaving a comment...hell just leave me a comment if you're a regular whore, it's ok if you're not dirty.

I wonder if my boyfriends Mom still reads my blog? Sorry Ms.A, it's just a publicity stunt I swear!

Sven Loves Psychos

2006-05-24T12:46:00.000-07:00

Please expand :)

Grossness

2006-05-24T11:31:00.000-07:00

A little background; I have a friend who just got horribly dumped by an evil psychotic wench. But that's ok, his cat pooped on her couch moments before she had her friends mom call him while he was at work to let him know that he was being dumped and he needed to go home and pack his things. That's worse then an email or text message dumping, the psycho has set an all time new low-blow record, it's going to be hard to beat. My friend and I know a mutual person who annoys us both and drools over him constantly, she also had skin that's dry, flaky and like a cheese grater. The following is a conversation between the two of us and for the sake of privacy I have changed his name.

SVEN; "Don't mention to our friend that I'm single now. She'll probably want me to make a house call. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!"

ME; "She wants the cock!"

SVEN; "Bleaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!"

ME; "I think Absinthe will come in handy for getting the deed done!"

SVEN; "That an a loofa to get rid of all that dead skin...... gross!!!!!"

ME; "I thought you liked cornflakes?"

SVEN; "Barf dood. Im going to eat lunch soon!!!"

ME; "You want some milk?"

SVEN; "I try to never look below her neckline. I cant even imagine what they'd look like."

ME; "Well just think, they would double as a tongue scraper!"

SVEN;"ASLKJSADLKJSHADLKJSHAD!!!SADASLKJ@#@*(&^%@&^#%*@&^%@#&^%#"

The end

Disco is dead

2006-05-23T11:58:00.000-07:00

Disco is dead
Originally uploaded by StoopidGirl.

On a day I was feeling glum I did what a lot of girls do to make themselves feel better. I got a haircut. As usual it's a bad idea. I won't go into the nitty gritty of it but I was able to cheer myself up with this photo. I thought I looked kind of like Madonna in her current phaze. I've also gotten comments that I look like Debbie Harry, The chick from ABBA and (ack) Christina Agulerra....hmmmm...anyway, glitter is nifty, enjoy the shot as I have nothing intelligent to say today.

Cubicle Lesson of the day

2006-05-23T09:10:00.000-07:00

If you just picked (arguably) one of the biggest boogers in your life (not including times when you were sick), make sure you look to see if anyone is walking by before flicking it accross the way.

Egads!

2006-05-17T20:31:00.000-07:00

I found this in the local "What's happening" type paper the other day. I thought it would be funny to read the personal ads out loud to my fellow listeners. Amazingly one of these was the first one I read and my jaw about hit the floor. At least they're honest.

Internet is for porn

2006-05-16T16:40:00.000-07:00

So I was in class the other night when one of my fellow classmates announces that her best friend made the Stuff magazine top 101 list for hottest girls on the internet.

Me; Wow, that's cool. How did she get that?

J; I don't know.

Me; So what your saying is she gets naked on the internet?

J; (very deffensively) No!

Me; Ahhhh, so she does get naked on the internet.

J; Noooooo!!!

Me; Then what does she do?

J; she's a model

Me; so she gets naked!

J; Noooo

Me; What does she model then?

J; lingerie.

Me; That counts as getting naked on the interenet.

J; Why do you have to be so condesending all the time?

Me; Who says I'm putting her down? She gets naked on the internet...that's a good thing!
I just wanted to say, Congrats Heather Lyn for being a lingirie model, not getting naked on the internet, and making the top 101 list! You go girl. Maybe I'll buy your video.

He calls me "PEE PEE"

2006-05-15T22:15:00.000-07:00

Because I'm #1

Dear Chipotle (Burritos & Tacos)

2006-05-12T13:28:00.000-07:00

I noticed that my receipt from your restaurant had a note on it saying, "So good your toes curl". My meal was extremely tasty but my toes did not curl until exactly midnight (mountain time). I think you should add a warning; "Some customers may experience delayed reactions and depending on the severity of the ass burning factor, people within a ten foot radius may suffer from singed nose hairs".
Thank you
your loyal customer
Stoo

Nuts and Butterflies

2006-05-11T21:39:00.000-07:00

Nuts and Butterflies
Originally uploaded by StoopidGirl.

I swear I will post about my vacation soon...life is been crazy busy. I'm still attempting to edit and narrow down my 300 or so photos. Stay tuned. Just imagine me doing a little song and dance to keep you entertained in the meantime.

Until then here's a cool butterfly I photographed while hanging out on vacation.

Vacation Withdrawal

2006-05-08T08:38:00.000-07:00

I have slept a combined total of over 24 hours since my vacation ended the moment my ride to the airport began late Saturday night. It would be my professional opinion that I am suffering from mild hypothermia, motion sickness, dehydration, and chlorine poisoning. My outlook is good, all though I am back at work and severely swamped, my head hurts and looking at my computer monitor is giving me vertigo, I have not seen Skeletor which makes me happy. Oh happy days the wicked Bitch has been canned (yes I'm still gloating).
When I can properly stand without wobbling or type on my computer without vomiting I will tell everyone about my glorious trip to a road called the Dragon with over 600 other Mini Cooper geeks (I mean enthusiasts). One of whom rolled their car off a 90 foot cliff, one who hit a wild turkey, six squirrel killers and a Bear slayer, not to mention the beer...oh the wonderful beer.
Until then, it's off to pretending I'm alive and playing with mortgage files.
Stay tuned...there will be photos.

10-4 good buddies

over and out

Orchestrating the Crowd

2006-04-29T21:28:00.000-07:00

Orchestrating the Crowd
Originally uploaded by StoopidGirl.

Don't you just feel like you're there? I took this at the Rob Zombie concert the other night of our friend Sam. Sam is a lucky guy, he gets to run the projectors for a lot of big tours. Ahh what a lucky guy.

The Eagle has landed

2006-04-28T11:33:00.000-07:00

The golden egg has been laid

Skeletor has left the building! (see previous post)

It is time for celebration. Coming to work today was so much fun (ew, did I just say that?). People were actually happy and said good morning with smiles. It's amazing what happens when you take Satan out of the equation. That's right folks, my company canned the evil rotten bitch who has terrorized me along with many others for quite some time. You want to know what the best part is? The Words "I should have fired her when Emily was still in our department." were muttered from the boss...ahh it's music to my ears. Man I love Karma...now if only Karma would bring me a raise.

Are you listening Karma? For my good deed I would like a raise...and another cadburry egg...or another job that pays more and is far cooler than puching numbers into a computer or a castle. I don't think it's too much to ask.

PS
As of last night Rob Zombie officially thinks my boyfriends Mini is cool...now if only I had had mine with me I could claim that as well. So Karma? If you're still tuned in, this doesn't count, you still owe me. Cheers!

Abandon all hope yee who enter here

2006-04-26T20:30:00.000-07:00

All day today I had been thinking about what I wanted to write in my blog. I didn’t want to post it until the actual event took place. I had the whole thing mapped out in my head; it was going to be a brilliant post and quite possibly the happiest from me yet. The title was going to be “Skeletor has left the building”, unfortunately I will not get to use this wonderful title today. I will have to save my happy-dance and beer drinking for another time.

For those who don’t know what or whom I’m talking about; this is about the person we all know, the person we work with and despise all the way to the deepest depths of our souls. My skin crawls when she passes me, she is evil…pure evil. She has been the bane of my existence for over a year. She has sneeze-farted (a-k-a snarted) on my shoulder and yelled at me over paperclips. She has turned me into a bitter vengeful person. It is because of her I’ve contemplated tire slashing or offering up cookies made with chocolate ex-lax bars (yes it exists and is a great revenge tactic), I’ve thought about quitting my job and I’ve thought about slamming her head repeatedly on the photocopier and yelling “You are creepy and if you ever try to be my friend by massaging my shoulders again I will kick you in the vagina and shit down your throat!” Trust me, this may sound a little harsh but you have never met her. Due to her bitter nature she has earned the nicknames Skelator, Leatherface, Stephen King, and Medusa. She freaks out about every thing, back stabs everyone, eaves drops and complains constantly among numerous other infractions. Her life is miserable, she smokes like a chimney, everything around her dies (husband, parents, siblings), she's always getting sick, (one kidney and half her stomach have now been removed, not to mention the cancer) and she's allergic to everything known to man kind (except her cigarettes). I have tried everything to make the situation better so my attitude would not get to the negative point it has taken. Did I mention she talks to herself?

Unfortunately there never seemed to be much light at the end of the tunnel. I prayed to the Gods of Human Resources that she would get fired but my prayers went unanswered. Until today. Today I heard voices carried in the wind. The axe was going to fall and it was going to fall at 4pm. This would be the day that would forever be market on my calendar as a celebratory holiday; it would be more fun than “Talk like a Pirate” day (maybe). I tried not to do the happy dance too early. All these emotions and thoughts were running through my head; She’s going to be gone for good and I don’t feel bad about it! Will this truly be the last time I will feel my hairs stand on end as she walks by? Will the entire company break out in song? What if they back out and don’t fire her? No, no…don’t think that. Breath Emily, Breath. Happy thoughts. They will fire her, thy will be done!

Then 4pm came….and went. 4:15 I receive the death blow. There it was, sitting in my in box. It was an email from the wind and it was bad. “The goose did not lay the golden egg! I repeat, the goose did not lay the golden egg! Abandon all hope” and thus my day ended on a sad note. I don’t know why it didn’t happen, all I know is I now need the beer to wallow in my sorrows. My happy-dance has turned into a slow drowning moan. Skeletor will leave the building today but she will return in the morning unscathed.

DESTROYING LIVES; One text message at a time

2006-04-26T12:18:00.000-07:00

So there I was, sitting in my Psychology class listening to my teacher blather on. I noticed one of my fellow classmates giggling and flirting with a girl. He’s a cool guy and she seems nifty, maybe I’ll give him a little nudge to go for it. So I sent him a text message.

ME; Are you getting the hook-up or what?

I giggled and waited to see the look on his face but nothing happened. Maybe his phone is on silent I thought, he’ll get it after class and probably be confused as to what I’m talking about. I soon forgot about the message, left class, went home and fell fast asleep.

Bright and early this morning I hear the familiar buzz of my phone alerting me to a new message. Sure enough it was Alvin…well, that’s what I thought.

NOT ALVIN; Who are you?

ME; It’s Emily, I saw you flirting with that girl in class last night.

NOT ALVIN; I don’t know you

Before I could respond

NOT ALVIN again; What school do you go to and who are you sending this message to?

Realizing I had programmed Alvin’s number wrong into my phone

ME; Oops, sorry. I’m dyslexic and typed the number in wrong

NOT ALVIN; Ok hope you’re not sending this message to Brandon

ME; Nope

This was the end of our conversation. Now at this point it doesn’t seem very significant or entertaining at the least. Just a misguided text message right? Wrong! Dead wrong. I processed the situation a little more. They said “hope” they hoped I wasn’t sending the message to Brandon. This wasn’t an act of good will trying to make sure that Brandon got the message in case I really did type the number in right. This was the act of someone else, someone who thinks I’m lying about having the wrong number trying to cover my tracks. Here are the scenarios as to who was writing me back.

It was Brandon’s mother. He’s probably a 12 year old Mormon boy currently getting yelled at by his mom. “Who is this Emily person and you’re too young to flirt with girls! Consider yourself grounded young man!” she would then sulk off crying because her little boy might not be a little boy much longer.
It was Brandon's Dad. Well we know it wasn't because he wouldn't have said "hope" but just incase he would be patting his son on the back saying "So did you get the girl's number?"
It was Brandon’s girlfriend. They have probably had numerous trust issues in the past and this is probably the straw that will break the camel’s back. I can hear her now, poor Brandon probably couldn’t get a word of defense in at all. (insert tears of scorned female) “You’re such an asshole! Who were you flirting with last night? You said you loved me! You said it would never happen again! You’re a liar! I never want to see you again!” She then smashes his phone, eliminating any possibility of calling me to find out I really don’t know Brandon.
It was Brandon’s boyfriend. See scenario above, only difference is They will end up in a cat fight tearing off each others clothing and then screw like jack rabbits because they’re men and men like to screw. This scenario will repeat itself many times over until they’ve finally had enough of each other.

So thus you have my 3 stories. If you have a better one feel free to include it. I am officially an evil horrible person, purely by accident of course. This reminds me of the time I drove by a couple holding hands and yelled “Fuck him, I did!” the girl immediately slapped the guy. I was not an accidental evil person in this case, I was just young but it sure was funny.

So to Brandon you poor poor boy, good luck today.

Sugar & Spice

2006-04-25T09:24:00.000-07:00

Sugar & Spice
Originally uploaded by StoopidGirl.

Because I'm failing miserably in the (not so ego boosting) blog-wars on BlogExplosion, here is a cute puppy as a bribe.

This is my friends little dog named Sugar. Normally I don't like small dogs because they're all barky and get in your way. Sugar is an exception because she doesn't bark she just skids around in circles on the floor making clickity noises with her nails. It makes me giggle everytime...then I pick her up and she falls asleep, I wish I could go from being that excited to that sleepy that quick. Yay for little puppies.

Is my bribe working? Are you happy now? Aww come on, how can anyone resist the one eye and pink tongue?

The Home Stretch

2006-04-24T17:04:00.000-07:00

I just saw a little old lady who had fallen asleep while pushing a baby stroller.

Here's the kicker;

She was still walking!

Oh the humanity

2006-04-23T11:15:00.000-07:00

While Blog-Crashing today I have come to the conclusion that there aren't any funny bloggers in this world anymore, at least not this early on a Sunday. Maybe once noon hits and people start drinking something ,mildly entertaining will flash itself across my screen. I mean sure, some are sort of funny. I was reading one that started to get a chuckle from me, until the end of the story which was just stupid. If you are about to get to the funny part please don't stop and say it's all a dream. That's not funny. I am a baby and you just stole my lollipop, damn you. I also don't understand these people who spend more time talking about being funny then they actually are. The funniest thing I came across today was some highly religious man blogging about webcam puppetry and posting the photos to prove it. He had been chatting with a few girls and getting them all to do the same motions (i.e. touching their nose) while utilizing the "print screen" button. All though I don't recall laughing about it so maybe it's really not funny. I now feel like I was touched where my bathing suit goes....daddy.
For those of you reading this who think you're funny....this is my non funny post for you today. Stop trying so damn hard and just be.

Oh yeah, and if you're here because I left you a comment then you have been spared the non funny dinging of my non funny fairy wand. Bless you child for you have not sinned.

And the boredom continues,
I crush you like bugs

Feel the wrath of my boredom

2006-04-21T20:00:00.000-07:00

Feel the wrath of my boredom
Originally uploaded by StoopidGirl.

Bitches!

Pardon Me

2006-04-21T15:18:00.000-07:00

But you're all idiots!

This is what I should have said while butting in to a conversation I overheard at work just now. Sometimes I can't help but say something when I hear a bunch of people standing around talking about something they know nothing about and then look at you like you're rude when you give them the quick, easy,and factual answer. Before entering the delightful mortgage industry I was a hairdresser. I started doing peoples hair at an early age and have been licensed for over 6 years now, so I think I might know a little something about the subject. The gaggle of girls were debating one of our clients who claims she is a self employed hairdresser. In theory this is correct, even when you work for a salon, a lot of times you are considered an independent contractor. Apparently this person does not have a license nor do they have a business license to own a salon. Here lies the confusion.

Them; "Well, I don't know if you need a license to do hair?"

Me; (still sitting below eye level in my cube)"Yes, you need a license to do hair or it's illegal."

Them; “Well maybe they own a salon?"

Me;(popping my head to eye level) "Then they would need a Salon license but not necesarilly a hair license if they only own it or it is illegal."

Them;"So if they are doing hair they need a license no matter where they work?"

ME;“Yes, that is correct."

Them; “Well maybe they work at home."

Me; (sitting back down and ignoring the most ignorant comment I've heard in months. If anyone wants to lend me a hammer so I can smash my head with it, let me know.)

And the list grows

2006-04-21T11:22:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned several times before the rediculous names parents have burdened upon their children. Well, I'm back with the new and improved list. These are real names I come accross while at work. I have no idea what some of these parents were thinking. The names of Asian decent are excluded from the bad parenting slander due to the fact that they aren't American and our terms our completely diferent, but they're still funny and we should all laugh at them.

Here are the people that amazingly made it through childhood and didn't slit their wrists at an early age.
This is in no particular order.

Hung Duong (wife, Mi Duong)
Li Qing Wang
Harry Panis
Sach Ryder
Pearl Tang
Ivory White (black guy)
Rock Groupe
Cat Hart
Theodore Strange III
Tuesday McClain
Bo Ho
Ta-Me Cherry
Happy Johnson
Luice Yang
Frank S. Arce
Dung Ho
Laguna Pu
Juan Valdez
Bryan A.Ferari
Candy Camero
Fancy English
Warren Tittlemier
Mark S. Life
Richard Stiff
Randy Cloud
Brooke Sky Blue
Zenon Butts
Comfort Banjo
Viral

when was the last time

2006-04-20T10:39:00.000-07:00

you had Ants on a Log?

I found celery in my refrigerator, I know I have peanut butter. All I have to do now is get some raisons. My mom use to make this yummy snack for me as a kid. If your mom never made them for you, you're missing out and if you ever have kids it should be a law that you make it for them. This is one of those things that brings back memories. I remember not being able to sever the celery properly and the stringy parts would go between my teeth, cut my gums and smash peanut butter all over my face while trying to yank it off. Mmmm

I have a Killer Ass!

2006-04-19T18:56:00.000-07:00

No seriously...I have a killer ass. I mean, it's been accused many times before of being deadly, especially after I've eaten a bunch of veggies. It's true, my ass has even made the dog get up and leave the room. Once it even cured my boyfriends swolen wrist when I accidently sat on it. He screamed in horror and nearly punched me. Within a day the swelling was gone and I was thanked for the mighty power that is my ass. I've even given enough Dutch ovens and SBD's (Silent But Deadly) to make a grown man cry. I highly doubt any of these situations count as deadly. Today on the other hand I am proud to say I have a killer ass. I got out of my car and looked down upon my seat. There sat what I assumed was a little flower blossum that the breaze had floated into my car. I leaned down to grab it only to be startled. It was a Bee! Not a; dried up been stuck somewhere for weeks with legs and wings falling off Bee. It was an; I just got squished by a giant white girls ass and now my guts are all gooey on her car seat Bee. I impress myself more and more everyday. I am shocked my ass didn't get stung as that would be the course of action you would think some poor Bee would have taken in it's last valient effort before it was pankaked by my stinky doomdom. I wonder if I should add this to my list of talents? I'm already really good at burning ants, filling hot tubs with massive amounts of bubbles and picking my nose (all though I really need to work on my aim when flinging them).
Bees beware, it's payback time for those 22 stings you gave me as a child in one sitting, or the time you hid inside my coke and attacked my lip like it was a voodoo doll. That time I stuck one of you inside a jar and shook it in circles violently only to let you go and watch you fly away dizzy doesn't count...but it was damn funny.

Dagonit

2006-04-19T12:29:00.000-07:00

For years I have been suspicious of birds. When driving I’ve noticed they don’t “just” get hit. It’s not like they were already there and we came plowing along invading their airspace, they actually swoop down in front of your car. For a while I thought it could be bird suicide. It’s entirely possible that many birds hate life because their feathers aren’t pretty enough or they don’t fit in with the other birds. After several years I started to realize it must be a game. They sit on the phone lines waiting for a passing vehicle, snickering to themselves and daring each other to see who can swoop the closest. It’s not just the little birds who do this it’s the big ones too. It was only about a month ago I saw a vulture swoop down and almost get nailed by my friends car but the air current from his 100mph seemed to waft him out of the way.

Where are these birds parents? Is there no control? I have seen so many kinds of bird and vehicle collisions. I’m sure they know by now that if they collide with the grill of a car going 90mph their head will actually fall off (this was tested by my boyfriend). Now if they aim a little higher and hit the windshield there are a few options as to what can happen. They can either be ricocheted approximately 100 feet in the air (tested by a friend of mine) or an even worse fate. While at an autobody shop I was told I needed to see a car that was there. All I had been told was it had hit a bird. Big deal I thought, it’s probably just a bloody mess, that’s normal. Closer inspection showed me a windshield that had caved in like a reverse volcano with chunks of bird and feathers stuck to the perimeter of the hole. Wait…there’s a hole? I looked in the back seat to see portions of the bird (and I mean portions) in the back window. Egads! When will they ever learn?

While driving to work today I watched a bird dart in front of me, luckily I missed but I did realize I’ve been wrong all these years. It’s not bird suicide or a ridiculous game of chicken…it’s the bugs! Think about it, how many birds do you find stuck to the front of you car compared to the number of bugs? That is where the bugs hang out. Maybe bugs would rather have their asshole go through their brain on impact then be eaten by a bird. They’re sneaky little bastards. I mean do they even sleep? Never trust a bug. I bet they would take over the world if they could learn to stop getting hit by cars. Hell they probably know what they’re doing. They’re like suicide bombers, they know that if they sacrifice a few bazillion bugs it will downsize the bird population. I think they should redo their math if that’s the case. It’s natures little payback. Maybe bugs are just sick, they probably enjoy watching birds get demolished. All though, this doesn’t explain why so many other creatures get hit or why opossums jump up before impact rather securing their fate rather than ducking. I’m sure if I think about it long enough I’ll be able to come up with a logical solution for that as well.

In the bathroom

2006-04-18T11:40:00.000-07:00

Me:(foaming at the mouth) "Mmmm, I love my new toothpaste! It's Lumonous!"

Chris: "Why is it lumonous?"

Me:(holding toothbrush up)"See...It has sparkles! (insert highpitch girl voice) SPARKLE! SPARKLE!"

Chris: hysterical laighing

11 years

2006-04-15T15:39:00.000-07:00

While doing a little extra cleaning today I came across my photo album from 1995. I had forgotten this album came with me to Arizona, rather than being stuck in a storage bin back in North Carolina. The only reason it made it out here unlike all the other tons of photos didn't was because I had forgotten to pack it. The album was half-hazardly tossed into the car with the selection of my remaining worldly possessions only to be shoved in a closet until now. What was I doing 11 years ago? I was the geeky girl I speak of sometimes, someone who is very much still a big part of who I am. I watched my sister go from having a flat stomach to looking like a balloon in a Thanksgiving Day parade thus producting "The Wheat-Thin Kid". I had a best friend who I could talk into doing anything, like dressing up in woman’s cloths and letting me pierce just about every body part he had. I had no idea how long our friendship would last or the struggles of cancer he would face 11 years later (my prayers are with him). This was the year I still felt awkward, yet that outcast in me landed an extra role in a little movie called Empire Records it also allowed a drunk punk rocker to pass out on my shoulder and barf on my feet. It was the year I shaved my head, the year I graduated high school and the year I officially moved out of my dad’s house (the first time). It was a year I will look back at laughing and a year that will bring tears to my eyes. Some things you can never get back and somethings you don't want back. So long 1995.

The Vagina Game

2006-04-14T11:56:00.000-07:00

This had me in stitches. I usually don't participate in stupid reposts but I just couldn't help myself. I could add so many movies to this list it's rediculous. I'm sure new ones will be popping into my head all day. Feel free to add yours or repost.
I have edited out the names of the people who submitted the names because it was too confusing. I'ts much funnier to just read the list.
Original bulliten;
The vagina game
Okay y'all.... this is a fun game... lets see how many people we can get to participate in it... The name of the game says it all.... all you have to do is copy this bulletin into a new one. Take the name of a movie and replace one of the words with VAGINA. Don't forget to put your name on it - then we can all see how perverted our friends are. NO REPEATS!!!

A fist full of VAGINA (Clint Eastwood western)
My big fat Greek VAGINA
vagina crashers
How to lose a vagina in 10 days
the 40 year old vagina
broke back vagina
elephant vagina
the Vagina Strikes Back
Monty Python's Search for the Holy Vagina
Vagina State
Finding Vagina
Scary Vagina
In Her Vagina
A vagina to remember!
save the last vagina !
Dirty Vagina (Dirty Dancing.)
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Vagina
Failure to Vagina
V for Vagina
Vaginawatch
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Vagina
I Vagina (robot)
Dude where'z my Vagina
Ace Ventura Vagina Detective
Dances with Vagina
Pulp Vagina
The Lost Vagina (The Lost Boys)
THe Dukes of Vagina
Rasing Vagina
Raiders of the Lost Vagina
Legends of the Vagina (Fall)
Vagina Strikes Back
Dirty Rotten Vaginas (Scoundrels)
Don't stop or my Vagina will shoot! (mom)
The Vagina of Oz
Vagina Dynamite
interview with a vagina
FERRIS VAGINA'S DAY OFF
Indiana Jones and The Vagina of Doom
Natural Vagina Killers
40 DAYS 40 VAGINAS ~~WHO WOULDN'T LOVE THAT
Vagina Almighty
Memoirs of a Vagina
Snow White and the Seven Vaginas
A perfect Vagina (u know from "a perfect world")
When Harry Met Vagina
Evil Vagina(dead)
Army of Vagina (darkness)

He Likes Me! He Really Likes Me!

2006-04-13T10:52:00.000-07:00

For the past couple of weeks when exiting my car to go to school I keep eyeballing this open manhole. For some reason it kept catching my eye. Now I don’t know if I was staring at it because I’m clumsy and know that I would end up stepping in it or because my obsessive compulsive curiosity was getting the best of me. Let me explain the realms of my OCC (Excessive compulsive curiosity). I’m the type of person that has to know the dumbest things, like if I’m at someone’s house using the restroom and the shower curtain is closed I have to look behind it. I’m not looking for anything, I just simply must know why it’s closed. Is the bathtub nasty? Is there a dead body? Do they use good hair products? If I’m driving and I see a trash bag or dilapidated box on the side of the road I automatically assume there is at least one chopped up body part inside, I have resisted the urge my whole life to stop and find out, I’d rather just settle for the worst case scenario. It has taken me years to break the habit of label pealing or tag snipping, it was quite the pain in the ass to show up at the store and not know what size undergarments to wear or toothpaste you use. Bra shopping is hard enough when you know the size let alone when you don’t. Now I know you’re probably thinking, this girl is insane. Really I’m not, I just have a touch of OCD in different forms, it’s very minor and usually I just ignore it. All though it does bother my boyfriend sometimes that I always have to know why. If I ask a question and he says “No.” then that should be good enough for me…but it’s not, my OCC takes over and I ask why until he wants to flog me or gives up and thinks I’m mentally challenged.

So anyway, back to the topic at hand. I showed up for school and there it was, the manhole, still with its cover half off and still calling to me. I looked around to see if anyone was watching me, walked over to it and peered in. “Ooohh there’s something down there…it’s probably just trash.” I thought. Then I leaned in succumbing to my curiosity. “It’s a CD! I wonder what CD it is?” I started fantasizing about what horrible atrocity awaited me, “Something terrible I’m sure. Gangster rap perhaps? Or better yet, Mexican Gangster rap!” I reached into the dark hole and pulled out a brown CD…”I recognized this….Holy crap! It’s Primus, the Brown Album!”. Thank you God if you really exist. I must have done something right, the CD isn’t even skipping and this is the one Primus album I don’t have.

I went to work the nest day happy and content with my new CD. I was sitting at my desk going through my head on how I wanted to blog my little story when I started thinking “Now all I need is for god to give me a Cadbury Cream Egg.” (I swear to you I actually thought that). Right then I hear a voice from the cubicle next to me “There’s an easter basket full of chocolate goodies for everyone at the front desk!” I was stunned, but no way did God like me this much. I walked up to the desk to see the heavenly basket of goods. Looks like I was right, it’s just chocolate. Wait….what’s that? “He likes me! He really likes me!” The skies have opened up and rained Brown upon my soul. I have a Primus CD and a Cadbury Cream Egg. Oh happy days. I don’t know what I did but I sure hope I do it again. Don’t good things come in 3’s? I wonder what brown goodness will come my way next?….er….don’t answer that.

Is it bad?

2006-04-12T11:01:00.000-07:00

Is it bad when your place of employment forces you to take "sexual Harrassment" training and when you watch the horribly produced video about sexual harrassment which presents the scenarios in a kindergarten manor that you identify more with the "Clueless sexual harrassment guy" then with the so called "victims"?

As "Clueless sexual harrassment guy" says; People need to lighten up!

Oh happy day

2006-04-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

It is my 2 year anniversary today with my wonderful boyfriend/husband...he gets both labels because sometimes he's worth it and other times I just want to fart on him.
I'm sure if I find more time later in the day I will give you some insightful thoughts about my relationship...or I will be lazy and you will be able to not yell at me for wasting a few minutes of your day that you will never get back.
Happy anniversary!

Certified

2006-04-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

What is the deal with certified pre-owned cars?

Them; "We certify that this car has been owned before."

ME; "Are you sure about that? It looks pretty new to me. You're yanking my chain, this thing is strait up new."

Zit Remedy

2006-04-07T16:49:00.000-07:00

Does anyone remember the television show Degrassi Jr. High where this kid
named Joey Jeremiah had a band called "Zit Remedy"? Well, I could use a little
Zit Remedy right about now. There are so many zits on my face even the
worlds best slalom skier wouldn't make it through alive. There is a virtual
battlefield brewing on the left side of my chin and I'm losing. I can just
hear their little voices "Sir! All men are present and accounted for. We
have back-ups coming in from the north. The Enemy doesn't stand a chance,
sir!"
I spent many years battling these little bastards and tried many different
remedies. You'd think at the age of 29 I would have grown out of this faze
of my life. But nooooo, not me. The texture of my skin is at the point where
Helen Keller would be excited because she would have a new novel to read.
Let's take a moment to explore the different forms of remedies I've tried:
*OCP (Obsessive Compulsive Picking or Popping); This is the one form I have
always used and continue to use daily. Unfortunately it doesn't really work
and once resulted  in my 7th grade crush telling me I had ketchup on my
chin.
*Clearasil Bar Soap; I don't know if it got rid of the zits but it gave me a
nice rosy rash all over my cheeks which could have easily landed me a
position as a sideshow freak or a clown.
*Skin colored zit concealor; The only thing this resulted in was looking
like I had smeared paste all over and dipped my face in Cornflakes cereal.
*Acne Free (Generic Po-Active); Much like the Clearasil Bar Soap it gave me
a similar reaction, like a very painful chemical peal. On the bright side,
the whole time I was scratching my face off with my fingernails I didn't see
a single zit. Unfortunately looking like a burn victim from a tanning salon
is not how I want to spend the rest of my days.

I wish It was as easy as starting a band and singing about zits...or being
Canadian for that matter. But, it's not. Once again I hold my job
responsible, it's the best form of  blame I can come up with. I demand
workers compensation! Or a cookie! Or my very own sweatshop filled with
little kids to make me a Sari complete with a full vale covering the
mountain range forming on my face which will become the newest natural
discovery since Jack Black brought King Kong to New York City.

Yep...

2006-04-05T15:12:00.000-07:00

My brain still hurts...I wonder if I can get workers comp if it explodes due to the pain they are inflicting on me this hump day to end all hump days...maybe if I actually got humped it would cure my woes.

Some days

2006-04-05T09:56:00.000-07:00

Some days I want to cry...other days I want to stab somebody in the face with a rusty nail...the last 3 days at work have been like that for me...today I want to start a heroin addiction and share a dirty needle with someone. Every minute is like a fingernail scraping itself slowly down a chalkboard.

I won't bore anyone with the evilness that is going on at my place of employment, we'll just say if you see the news and some building went up in flames and a girl with pink hair is a suspect and currently missing...I don't know anything about it.

Anyone own a bazooka I can borrow?

Pray for me that tomorrow will be better...I need a cookie...and a hug...and a butter knife to slit my wrists with...and an antfarm...with real ants...

Classic

2006-04-01T10:52:00.000-08:00

Classic
Originally uploaded by StoopidGirl.

This is a one of a kind purse by my friend Tina. She makes all sorts of cool purses so check her out at http://tinanealis.blogspot.com/
she rocks...and she's hot.

More Vegas

2006-03-31T21:03:00.000-08:00

Because Lisa begged, here's some more of the shots I have online right now. I didn't get any of your car Lisa...I barely even saw you...next time just smack me and say "Emily! Take a picture of my car biatch." with that sexy british accent of yours.

...

2006-03-31T09:46:00.000-08:00

Someone just told me I was nutty today. I responed with; "So what you're saying is...I'm like a turd?"